A.C.S+--+Courtney+Broyles

Letter of Introduction (posted January 20) Hi! My name is Anna Schmalzriedt and I'm a junior at Roosevelt Highschool. I started out at ADM as a freshman but moved to Roosevelt during the middle of my freshman year. As soon as i began attending Roosevelt, I fell in love with the school. My sophmore year I auditioned for the school gospel choir called Bridges to Harmony. I love singing and expressing myself through each and every song that we sing. Bridges is not only a choir, but a family. The choir has taught me lessons about life that I never could have experienced without being a part of it. Along with singing, I am involved in Roosevelt's art department. I take a 3D art class which consists of working with materials such as clay, glass, and metal. Art is another major way that I am given the opportunity to express myself and create something beautiful from something simple. Outside of school, I love to ride my horses. I take lessons once a week and go out to ride 2 to 3 times a week. In the summer I show hunter jumpers and LOVE it. One thing that I hope to get out of the exchange would be to strengthen my writing with your guidance. All of the English classes I have ever taken are mainly literature based. I have never really had someone sit down with me and give me advice on my writing technique. This year has been particularly difficult for me because I am not really experienced in the analitical aspect of writing. Learning how to manipulate my mind and be able to strongly I am extremely excited to be able to work with you and I hope you feel the same! Anna Schmalzriedt

Courtney Response Hi Anna,

My name is Courtney. It is great to read about all of your interests, maybe you can teach me how to ride horses sometime ;) . I am a senior at Drake. I will be graduating in May with degrees in Writing and Magazine Journalism. I have also studied extensively in Economics, Sociology, Digital Marketing and Graphic Design. I have an internship at Meredith Publishing Corp. downtown in Writing for the publications as well as some dabbling in Marketing Analytics and Statistical Analysis. I also love any creative outlets I can find. Writing has been my outlet since middle school. I like writing essays, articles and poems. I also like to paint and dance. I've done all of the paintings in my apartment as well as in some of my friend's houses. I am from Texas (near Mexico), I do not have an accent but I do speak Spanish. I love animals, dogs, babies and anything cute. I think it's important for anyone to know how to communicate their ideas clearly and in their own way. Communication is key to success in any situation, the better you can communicate, the more you can make a difference. One of my goals this semester in working with you is that we will both be able to explore the writing process and find ways to break away from traditional writing strategies and do what works for our own writing. I have a feeling you will be teaching me, just as much as I will be teaching you. I am excited to work with you and see what kind of creativity and ideas you have! Talk to you soon!

Courtney Broyles


 * Personal Reflection on Topic of Inquiry ** (posted **RHS** January 27 -- **171** January 29)

As a child, I truly didn't care about what others thought about me.. In kindergarten I used to wear pantyhose on my head and two different colored shoes. I constantly talked about horses and acted like everybody (everyone?) was listening to me. It's funny how children have a way of being able to express themselves however they choose without being looked upon as strange or different. <<I like this idea of how self-expression goes without judgment when you’re a child, but how it changes as you get older.What are some ways you can SHOW this? I like the imagery used with the pantyhose on head thing—maybe you could use an example as to how you would be looked at now if you were to do the same thing. A kid is a kid and that's just how it is. I was my own unique person and I didn't have a care in the world about being like everybody else. I was only concerned about having fun and showing the world who I was. Of course, I didn't realize at the time that one day that would all change.

Growing up, my family has always been worried about what others think. I was raised to be concious of my surroundings and to never let my gaurd down. Being seen as different or strange was always portrayed to me as a negative thing. My sister taught that there is so much more to conformity than I knew to be true. <<you change pretenses here very suddenly, be careful not to lose the reader. Are you talking about now or then? In her childhood, Rachel was always the concious one. She was always worried about what the family or friends might think of her. Into her teen years, all of that changed. Like most teenagers, she rebelled. She chopped all of her hair off, started dating older guys, and meddled in things she probably shouldn't have been a part of.<<very passive voice and vagueness that leaves the reader slightly confused. My mom began to worry about the direction she was going. Rachel didn't care, though, she was just doing what everyone else was doing. She conformed to the people she associated herself with.

For me, conformity truly began to take a hold of me in middle school. Appearance was something I was constantly worried about. I wanted to wear the same brand of jeans as other girls and I wanted to do my make up just like other girls. I had lost the need to be my own original person. As I grew older and began highschool, conformity just continued to be a way of life for me. If my friends did it, then why shouldn't I? I began doing some things that I should have stayed clear of and left alone.<<What are these mysterious things? The vague language makes the reader feel like you're leaving them out. How can we know how these things helped define you, if we don't know the severity of your conformity? The excuse I used to tell myself was, "well if everyone else does it, then it must not be that bad". I always based my opinion on everybody else. It was never what I thought was good for me or what would make me a happy person.

Today I can honestly say that I have grown out of that. I am so happy to be my own unique individual again, not caring what ANYBODY thinks regardless of what they say. I have matured enough to the point to know that if I abuse my health and only care what others think, it will only hurt me in the long run. So let me ask this one question, why does conformity seem like such a natural part of life? Hey, everybody does it, right? I really liked the imagery you used in the beginning, but I didn't see a lot of it. You seem to be 'telling' me a lot, but not 'showing' me. What do you think is the gut (the center point that you're trying to convey to the reader) of your narrative? How does your sister's experience relate to yours or effect the way you learned about conformity? How did you or your views change direction to make you happy and more expressive? Who was involved in this change? Was it a sudden change or over time? What sort of thoughts or events helped shape this change? As a reader, I perceived that you and your sister both had experiences with conformity, I don't see how they connect. I see that self expression is easier when you're a child and that you did things and conformed when you think you shouldn't have. I see that you are happy and matured from that now. What I don't see is what experiences, what moments made this change happen. How did you abuse your health? What are these things about you that have changed? Why did they change? I want to SEE the person you were and are, I want to see and feel the change when reading. Think about some of these questions and the images, experiences and thoughts that come to mind---take a moment to reflect and scribble down things that stuck out (strong emotions a particular moment, an image you recall and what you thought). Take me into the moment, I feel like as a reader you are only letting me see pieces of the picture but not the whole thing.

Rough Draft **Definition** (posted **RHS** February 3 -- **171** February 5)

We are all aware that acceptance is not only a detrimental part of society, but it is a way of life for most people. As I walk down the hallways at Roosevelt high school I cannot help but notice that my peers and I are on a continuous search for the approval of others. Whether it is the approval of the clothing we wear, the hair style we have, or even the way we talk, we are always looking to feel that we fit in and that people respect us. I should not limit the idea of acceptance to only high school students. Every person on the plant needs to feel that they are wanted and appreciated. The desire fpr acceptance, which is the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable, is a universal feeling which we as human beings have become quite familiar with. << Is it acceptance itself that is a universal truth or the need for acceptance? Conformity and acceptance tend to go hand in hand. In a culture, we feel that “normal” is acceptable so we are influenced by those around us. They define and shape who we are as people because if everyone is just alike, there is no room for rejection. Those who truly strive to be accepted are always concerned about their appearance and what they say or do. Labels and brands are important because they feel that the better they look, the more likely they are to fit in. A lot of girls in today tend to shop at stores such as American Eagle and Forever Twenty One because they know that if they shop there, they automatically feel accepted. It’s funny how our brain works sometimes. << How do brands like these reflect on the need for acceptance and people's response to that pressure? What is the deeper issue of why people wear or buy these brands. How does the word "acceptance" apply to other situations? For example, maybe you could give the reader an anecdote of snapshot of a variety of situations where acceptance is at the heart of it. Feeling accepted within a family, by one's parents, wanting people to accept you for being a different gender, race...what other examples could you use to encompass the universal aspect of your definition? The actions we take also show us how much we conform to our peers. Drinking and drug use is a perfect example of conformity that allows acceptance within a group of people. If everyone else does it, the question is, why shouldn’t I? Acceptance surrounds us. We crave it. We need it. << I like these last two sentences. The variation of tone and short vs. long sentences is very effective for me as a reader. Those people who strive to be accepted are truly self conscious. Whether that self consciousness is positive or negative, it defines almost everything about them. Let this not be confused with self-awareness, which is the condition of being aware of oneself. Self consciousness is being extremely aware of being observed by other people. << I like that you are trying to bring in other words to make a chain of connecting definitions. How do these words help shape the definition of one another? What about these words make you want to write about them? If it is an experience you've had or a situation or subject that sparked your interest in these terms, put it in! Why did you choose these terms? What is interesting about them? In this case, when people are under a magnifying glass, they tend to feel the need to be accepted by others. The ironic part about this is that most likely, they don’t even accept themselves. I see kids at school every day that struggle with self consciousness. People that make subtle jokes about their weight or don’t accept compliments when they receive them are just a few examples of self-consciousness as a characteristic of acceptance. What is acceptance without judgment? Although some people don’t say that they judge others, it is inevitable. First impressions are a perfect to describe how judgment affects acceptance. When someone sticks out their hand for the first time and grips your hand with a nice strong handshake, you can already tell a lot about them. In that case, it would obviously be positive, but a lot of times folks aren’t so fortunate. Job interviews, meeting your boyfriend’s parents, or standing up giving a speech are all situations when you are continuously being judged. You want that job, you want your boyfriend’s parents to like you, and you want your peers to like that speech that you worked so hard on. We work hard every day to live up to other people standards. When will we learn that we must accept ourselves before we can expect others to accept us? Let me leave you with this thought. Acceptance lurks everywhere around us. It seeps through the holes and cracks in our lives that we have not yet filled with importance that we substitute as caulk. Now if you have asked what acceptance is, your question has been answered. Conformity allows us to hide from judgment which is crucial for acceptance. People that conform and are afraid of being judged are usually self conscious and do not realize the fact that they must accept themselves first. The art of acceptance is a learning process and we must be willing to learn from our mistakes and more readily accept people for who they are, not for what we may believe that they are. First off, I really liked the sentence structure and the idea behind these words---this sort of reflection on society. I almost feel like you are taking on too much in this paper though. Maybe, you could try having your main "big concept" word/definition that you build up to. Start off with little definitions or basic words that relate and eventually build up to your bigger picture word. For example, if acceptance if the main word/definition, build up to it by defining words within your anecdotes relating to acceptance. EX: "anxious; the feeling of anxiety or nervousness. The moment before you tell your parents what you have been dreading since 6th grade---'I'm gay'. You wait for their response, their loving open arms, their blood shot eyes and heart-felt speeches, hoping they understand." That is just my example, but basically, you want to engage the reader on multiple levels. Right now you have some really strong points, but as a reader, those terms felt like they carried a lot of weight and were only briefly touched on. I would try to connect words that can be easily defined and relate it to a situation where it seems applicable or interesting. You give some examples but I want to be in the moment, I want to feel judged, I want to be that kid in the name brand clothing, trying to fit in. What is it that makes one feel accepted or not accepted? What is the antithesis of accepted? (aka rejected, etc.) What are some of the synonyms? Explore these aspects and dive deeper into the feelings and thoughts behind these words and how they connect to you as a person. If you are saying that this is universal, show how it is universal.

I am really anxious to read your next draft. Take only the suggestions that work best for you, don't feel pressured to try any of the things I say, just think about the questions and see where that takes you. You may end up with a very different essay at the end of it, but just let it go wherever you think is most engaging. Less telling, more showing. Bring your readers in and captivate them with your anecdotes and other techniques. Let me know if you have any questions, you can just post them here on the wiki space page, I will try to check it and get back to you asap, that way you can ask questions as you run into them or if I need to be more clear about something, we can get that straightened out.

http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs2762.pdf http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201009/emotional-acceptance-why-feeling-bad-is-good [] [] []

Courtney

-

Revision **Definition** (posted **RHS** February 10 -- **171** February 12 )

We are all aware that acceptance is not only a detrimental part of society, but it is a way of life for most people. As I walk down the hallways at Roosevelt high school (Roosevelt High School) I cannot help but notice that my peers and I are on a continuous search for the approval of others. Whether it is the approval of the clothing we wear, the hair style (hairstyle) we have, or even the way we talk, we are always looking to feel that we fit in and that people respect us. I should not limit the idea of acceptance to only high school students. Every person on the planet needs to feel that they are wanted and appreciated. D. Wayne Matthews states in his essay, “Acceptance of Self and Others”, acceptance allows for uncomfortable barriers in communication to be broken. Therefore, those who feel accepted speak and act around others without the fear of being judged or evaluated. The desire for acceptance remains a universal feeling which (feeling, which) every human being strives for. << What is the significance of this quote and D. Wayne Matthews? How does he or his quote contribute to your definition?

Conformity and acceptance tend to go hand in hand. << Where did conformity come from? How do they go hand-in-hand? In a culture <<In “a” culture? In the culture of high school? In American culture? , we feel that “normal” is acceptable so we are influenced by those around us. <<What is ‘normal’ and how does this relate to being influenced by those around us? Say what you’re trying to say as if you were talking, I think the sentence will be clearer that way. They define and shape who we are because if everyone is just alike, there is no room for rejection. As I walk into a room of people and glance around I notice similarities between them. The majority of the girls have hair as straight as a pin. Makeup that masks their face not only hides their natural features, but even sometimes their identity. The name brand clothes cover up the bodies they despise as they hope to be super model skinny someday. For guys, the faster their car runs or the more horsepower their engine can exert is a materialistic disguise for the need of acceptance. <<Again, I would specify what age group or cultural context in which you’re talking about. Yes, they enjoy the thrill of driving too fast, but what they are truly looking for is people to notice and accept them. Shoes, clothes, electronics, cars, and houses are all tangible objects to mask our tendency to conform.

Materialism is not the only example of conformity for acceptance. Drinking and drug use play a major part on society as a whole. Imagine the scene of a party. The air reaks of stale alcohol that drips down the college basketball player’s chin as he chugs a beer. Little does he realize that his chance of going pro if he continues consuming alcohol at this rate will dribble away like the drop on his chin. <<This is a nice sounding sentence but I feel like, as a reader, I don’t know how drinking and drugs relate to your original definition. So while this imagery is good, it seems out of place. Beside him sits a skinny cheerleader who pops adderall to stay up long enough to barely pass her exam the next morning. Her parents would kill her if she got kicked out of school, so she has to find some way to get by. Did anyone force the basketball player and the cheerleader to go to this frat party on a Friday night after the game? No, but they decided to any ways. Regardless of the consequences, young adults especially resort to this conformity because of their strong desire of acceptance.

Those people who strive to be accepted are truly self conscious. Whether that self consciousness is positive or negative, it defines almost everything about them. Self consciousness is being extremely aware of being observed by other people. For example, a girl sits alone at a lunch table. Her tray contains a full portion of food although she knows she will only eat maybe one or two bites. Longing to sit with the “popular girls”, she feels alone and helpless at the empty table with her full tray. The more she eats the less of a chance she has at sitting at that table. She is afraid to speak because she feels that whatever she has to say is not important enough to say out loud. The ironic part about this is that she does not realize that in order to be accepted by her peers, she must accept herself. I see kids at school every day that struggle with self consciousness. <<So is self-consciousness a product of the need for acceptance? How does this relate to materialism? I think you are getting somewhere here. High School age and self-consciousness parallel each other in a lot of ways and also connect with acceptance, but how can you string these three things together without distracting from your message? People that make subtle jokes about their weight or don’t accept compliments when they receive them hide behind the walls of their insecurity.

What is acceptance without judgment? Although some people don’t say that they judge others, it is inevitable. First impressions are a perfect to describe how judgment affects acceptance. When someone sticks out their hand for the first time and grips your hand with a nice strong handshake, you can already tell a lot about them. In that case, it would obviously be positive, but a lot of times folks aren’t so fortunate. Job interviews, meeting your boyfriend’s parents, or standing up giving a speech are all situations when you are continuously being judged. You want that job, you want your boyfriend’s parents to like you, and you want your peers to like that speech that you worked so hard on. We work hard every day to live up to other people standards. When will we learn that we must accept ourselves before we can expect others to accept us? <<I feel like this idea could have been introduced earlier in order to connect some of those other points together. Also, is this the message you are trying to convey? How does this connect to judgment, materialism and conformity?

Let me leave you with this thought. <<This sentence isn’t necessary. Acceptance lurks everywhere around us. We crave it. We need it. It seeps through the holes and cracks in our lives that we have not yet filled with the important things in life that we use as caulk. Now if you ask, what is acceptance, your question has been answered. Conformity allows us to hide from judgment which is crucial for acceptance. People that conform and are afraid of being judged are usually self conscious and cannot accept the fact that they must accept themselves first. The art of acceptance is a learning process and we must be willing to learn from our mistakes and more readily accept people for who they are, not for what you may believe that they are.

Anna,

I think you are trying to cover too much in this essay. Judgment, conformity, acceptance, materialism and self-consciousness are all very broad topics that could be essays in themselves. I feel like your try to dedicate a paragraph to each topic and I encourage you to steer clear of that. Don’t worry about the formatting of your paper, don’t try to break it down by each topic of definition—this will come naturally when you find your main argument/message and build on that main idea.

It seems like your central definition revolves around the high school experience so I would stick with that and not bring the universality of “the planet” into it. Also, you seem to switch back and forth using “you” and “we”.

I think the best technique to help you with your essay at this point is to sit down without your essay and try to explain your main message/point to someone else, just talking about it. We tend to explain things in a way that makes the most sense in order to communicate our ideas—use this sequence to order your argument on paper. I think after you talk about your paper, you’ll realize what you’re trying to say and how to say it in a simple and clear way. Right now, I think you’re focusing on the writing aspect too much, you’re worried about using certain vocabulary to sound sophisticated.

You’re doing a lot of work in this paper, I see where you’re headed but right now the paper seems indecisive and not clear about which issue is most important. Try to centralize your focus on one of these words/definitions rather than all of them. I know that some of these issues will come up when explaining your idea, but don’t take it on as a new topic, just mention it in context to build on your main idea. Don’t think about formatting or the order of your ideas yet, just get out your main point in a way that you would explain it conversationally and work from there. Before submitting your next essay, I also ask that you use spell-check or type it out on Microsoft Word before posting it online to fix those little errors without having to focus on that aspect. The program will do that part for you, but it will your message a great deal. Also, I ask that you step away from your essay for a little bit and then come back to it and read it aloud to yourself, wherever you trip-up reading it aloud, this is probably where your reader will get tripped-up as well. You’re making progress here, but there is still some things I’d like you to think about, as I mentioned previously. I can't wait to see the focus and progress in your next draft!

Courtney Broyles

Anna, Here are some notes I took of the things we discussed this week at your visit: - How conformity in high school shapes who someone is going to become as a person - Defining conformity as it applies to human nature and how those aspects of human nature that come into play in high school - You can talk about conformity as a bigger issue, like how it shapes people for the rest of their lives, etc. - However, I'm afraid of you zooming out too much and not having a solid focus in your paper, so write in a way that makes sense to you and how we talked about--conversationally organized to make sense of your topic - You don't have to start completely over, but you have grown enough in your writing process that I think it is okay for your essay to take a more focused direction and look at what conformity means and how it informs a person's character.

Let me know if you have any questions. You can just post them here and I will try to help as much as I can. Just try not to do too much with the limited time you have left with this paper--simplify and focus. Can't wait to see what you have tomorrow! Courtney

Final **Definition** (posted **RHS** February 17 -- **171** February 19 )

Is it possible to truly be one’s own unique person with all the pressures society places upon people today? This is a very clear opening to your definition. I think it is effective. Pressure in life is all around us. It envelopes us. The desire to succeed in every possible way is the main goal in American Society. From the beginning of time humans have developed their own cultures and lifestyles that uphold certain pressures. Cultures and lifestyles seem very broad. How do humans develop such things and how are they different? In order to achieve the highest standards, people have always reverted to a certain lifestyle that their cultures demands. It seems like you are beating around the bush a little bit here about what pressures you are referring to, at this point in the paper, the reader just wants to know what you are getting at. For Americans, there are many different types of pressure, but in hindsight, it is all the same. What are some of the influences in life that effect peoples’ need to strive to be the best? According to Dictionary.com, peer pressure is defined as social pressure by members of one’s peer group to take a certain action, adopt certain values, or otherwise conform to be accepted. This seems like a very random insert of a source. This is the kind of thing where you’d just want to quote the definition and keep the source noted in the bibliography. Quoting “dictionary.com” doesn’t seem natural. Imagine the life of a high school teenage girl; she strives to be everything and more. She is always trying to excel to please her parents, teachers, and friends. The pressure of academic achievements is her first priority. Getting an “ A ” to her is so normal that when she receives anything less, she feels as if the world will come to an end. Some teenagers work under so much pressure that panic attacks and anxiety are a common occurrence in their everyday lives. This need to conform to be the best academically may be targeted by a multitude of different factor. The priority factor for most academically involved students would be the desire to get accepted into a decent college without striving in high school and receiving scholarships. I see where this is headed, but I think the wording is a little distracting and does not help your argument---like we talked about, just write is as you would say it. Conversational writing can be easier to understand, even if you want to maintain a sophisticated tone. Far too many high school students cannot afford to pay to go to school. This also brings up the pressure of their parents. In America, parents try their hardest to allow their children to have a better life than they had. College is the only route to success, so good grades are enforced as a rule by parents because of the fear of their child will not make something of themselves. The pressures of performance are not only limited to getting good grades but sports as well. << See! You can transition! This is an improvement. Sports are one of the most important aspects of the high school performance. Pressure upon kids to do well in sports is a prominent part of our culture. Their own competitive desires are intertwined with their parents own desires for their children to do well. Coaches get paid to improve their team’s ability to perform so they sometimes push their students to the limits. This is not the only true for high schoolers. College and professional athletes are also under the pressure of to achieve the highest level of performance that they can withstand. This seems a little scattered. How do professional athletes help to inform the pressures of a high school student? An article, written by Chris Murphy of KGW, reports that seven high school football players were hospitalized during a football camp. The coach was running what he called a “total immersion.” Which pertained of three daily practices plus weight training-this sort of exercise obviously led his players to physical exhaustion and their need to be hospitalized is a direct result of that. Sometimes it is difficult to decipher when enough is truly enough. I like this thought, but it seems fleeting. I want to know more about what you mean and how this idea of “when is enough, enough” applies to the pressure you have been discussing so far. Despite the pressure students receive in high school with academics and sports. There are many other pressures that adults have to face day to day. One of those pressures would be financial stability. Money is what makes the world go around. Financial stability is the number one priority of almost every adult in the world. Mortgages, loans and debt are all contributors to pressure facing adults. When the bills come in the mail, the stress is on. In the real world, the electricity will be shut off if the bill is not paid on time. The car will be repossessed if too many payments are missed. The house will be foreclosed if the resident does not possess the money to pay the bank. All of these are examples of how money plays such a huge role in society. Especially today, their adults face many difficulties in their ability to balance their financial stability. Due to the economy, jobs are taken every day. Without a job, there is no way for people to pay for the necessities of life. For example, a man comes home and sets his brief case on the kitchen table. Struck with defeat, he collapses into the chair. Pondering how he will explain this to his wife that no longer has a job, he begins sobbing. His tears fall to the floor likes his chances of paying off the credit card debts he owes. He could almost taste a raise today before his boss called him into his office to explain that they had left him go. What will he do without a steady income and three other mouths to feed besides his own? Many adults face this fear day in and day out. The pressure to achieve financial stability has everything to do with striving in the workplace. I see how this is a form of pressure, but it does not connect as strongly as the academic and sports pressures in high school. No matter what job one possesses, the importance to be the best employee possible is the goal. In order to maintain a job, adults and teenagers alike are under pressure of their bosses and coworkers. The pressure of meetings, projects, and deadlines are examples of some of the difficult pressures in having a successful career. If one does not possess the work ethic to meet these standards, they are likely to be let go. Even simple jobs such as working at McDonald’s require a certain amount of pressure. Showing up on time and dressing in uniform are just a few. Also, having a positive attitude towards customers is a quality that employers look for when hiring people. Demands for these qualities such as responsibility, integrity, and work ethic place pressures on every working citizen. Shannon Cofield, the previous CEO of United Way of Central Iowa states, “When meeting the pressures of the work place, it is imperative to be competent about what your tasks are. It’s sometimes difficult to get used to the different personalities that you are surrounded by. The effects that these pressures have had on me personally have not always been easy to deal with, but I handled them as best as I could. When I’m deeply engrossed in a project, it is likely to lead me to a high stress level. The side effects of stress include constant preoccupation and lack of sleep, but in order to stand on top of a mountain, one must climb it first.” What Shannon says holds true to the thoughts of a lot of Americans. Responsibly handling pressure in the work place is essential when trying to maintain a good job. All of these examples come together to form a general idea of what the effect of pressures in society does to people. Although some may believe that life is care free, there are still subliminal influences that affect their lives daily. Anna, You are doing a lot in this paper and I am proud to see how your writing has developed over these last few drafts. I think you keep expanding and contracting your ideas sporadically throughout the paper, which makes it hard to connect all the pieces together. I would like to see how you would write this paper, if you did not include sources, right now I feel like your sources are informing your writing and it should be the other way around. Like we talked about, pick a common theme and persuade the reader of your point, using this chosen theme to connect the dots. Would you consider writing further about this topic in your next paper, only applying the concept to the new prompt? That might be a nice way to further your work that you’ve laid so far. Your choice. I am interested to see more.

In looking at some of the over-arching problems that I find you are facing throughout your work, I thought we might address them directly. Some things to think about when you begin your writing for next time: - How does the vocabulary you choose add to your argument? When re-reading, consider: does this word add or take away from the clarity of this sentence and this paragraph? - Where is the connection from one idea to another and how do the combination of these ideas contribute to your overall message? Consider each idea on their own and what significance they hold to your message. - When re-reading, consider whether or not you feel “sold” on the idea. Have you persuaded your reader to believe what you’re saying? Just like in a conversation, you want to convince that person that what you’re saying is true and you have a point that you are trying to get across. If I am telling you about a crazy friend of mine, I will probably bring in tid bits of details, and maybe even an anecdotal story, but overall, I’m just trying to convince you that this friend of mine is really crazy, using these devices. Does that make sense or seem applicable?


 * Reflection #1 ** (posted **RHS** February 20 -- **171** February 22)

This definition paper has really been a challenge for me. Since the beginning, changing topics multiple times truly set me back in my writing and editing process. **Your writing will always change throughout the process.** The purpose of this paper was to define something we feel is important in our lives to our audience. Informing as well as arguing to the audience about that certain abstract idea and how it effects our lives and other peoples lives. My intended audience was my teachers and Courtney, the drake student helping me with this paper. In order to appeal to them I tried using strong diction and some figurative language. **Where do you think you showed strong diction? What do you think were some of the strongest points and weakest points of your process?** Examples also helped when trying to prove a point. Exigence in societal pressure comes from my own experiences with feeling the pressure to succeed my entire life. **Again, I feel like you are using language that is unfamiliar to you. How do you think sophisticated words like "exigence" add or take away from your writing?** I have always been conscious of the battles it has put me through and it has made me part of who I am. Giving examples such as the coach and the man who lost his job puts emphasis on my message by allowing the reader to realize the true harms of societal pressure and the effects it can have on peoples' lives. **<What are the "true harms" of societal pressure specifically?**

**Anna,** **I think your reflection is thoughtful and a good summary of your writing process. I want to know more about what you think is working in your writing and what you feel is not working. Try looking back through my comments and reading your work again to see the progress you've made throughout your drafts. I know you did change your topic a bit and it complicated things, but I think it added to the complexity of your message. I would really like to hear about how you feel about your writing process and what changes you'd like to make in your upcoming writing to show what you've learned throughout your process.**

**Courtney**

Rough Draft **Comparison** (posted **RHS** February 24 -- **171** February 26 )

Why do people decide to make the decisions they do at certain points in their lives? Societal pressure hovers above them like a cloud. Unhealthy pressure is the cloud that remains dark and furious. **<<****Mention of the cloud seems repetitive here. Maybe try using more descriptive language that makes that same connection.** It has the ability to destroy whatever is in its path, like a hurricane. Healthy pressure is like the beautiful cloud that leads into the gates of heaven.**<<What do you mean by 'healthy pressure'? What is the difference between healthy and unhealthy pressure and how would one know which is which?** The choice as to which cloud one would prefer is a decision of the direction one wants to take their life. When standing under a hurricane cloud, families, friendships, and even one’s own sanity is at risk. **At risk of what?** Making the choice to look up at the sky and see those pure, white clouds is a constant reminder of a promising and rewarding future. Often times it is difficult to decipher healthy pressure from unhealthy pressure, but they are most definitely different. **<<The cloud reference makes this section more confusing. I see what you are trying to do with the analogy, but focus on communicating your ideas more so than the analogy.** One may ask, what are some pressures that have a negative effect on my life? **You shift from "you" to "I" here.** Peer pressure can be positive at times, but when one **<<You switch back to 'one' here. Pick which angle is more effective to write from and stay consistent.** is influenced by those around them to do what they perceive to be wrong, it is unhealthy. Drugs and alcohol are a constant reminder of the ways that negative societal pressure can effect one’s life. **<<Does this mean 'unhealthy' pressures are referring to physically unhealthy habits? Defining what you mean by 'unhealthy pressures' early on in the writing will help to clear this up.** A highschool girl gets an invite to the party of the year. She has this feeling in the pit of her stomach that something is wrong. Both of her parents are alcoholics and she does not want to end up like them. **<<This is an interesting perspective you are showing here. What about her parents being alcoholics complicates the 'kid at a party' scene? How does this complicates the kinds of pressure she is feeling?** She knows as soon as she takes that first drink, she won’t be able to stop. **<<Why does she think this? Explain.** Alcohol has the ablilty to ruin her life much like it did her parents but she decides to go anyways. Her friends are happy because she chose to go, but she know, she knows that what she is about to do is wrong. Why did she make the decision to go to the party? Peers are a main source of influence for everyone in almost all stages of life. **<<This transitions to a broader perspective too suddenly. Stay in your story.** Another example of negative pressure would be the need to always look they best. __Billboards, magazines, and television display images of the ideal person for advertisement. If one were this skinny, they would be happy.__ If one wore these clothes, they would be happy. If one drove this car, they would be happy. All of these images create an illusion in the human mind of true happiness and contentment. Without the ability to find what makes people happy, they don’t get the chance to find who they are. The media puts pressure on people, but everyone around them judges them to the point where they feel it is necessary to conform to be happy with themselves. __Appearance is not the only example that this theory applies to__. __The tremendous pressure to succeed in order to maintain materialistic wants is another form of unhealthy pressure.__ A person who works day and night in order to drive a nice care and own a huge house is under the intent and pressure to impress their peers. America’s culture in particular is based around materialism. Whoever has the best clothes, nicest car, and biggest house always wins. Therefore, people work their lives away trying to maintain these absurd ideas. They pass this pressure on to their children that bigger is better. Lots of money in the long run is not the route to happiness. Yes, it is important to work hard, but kids need to seek a carreer in which they love, not what will abide by the pressures of society. Not all pressure is negative pressure, though. There are instances in life where societal pressure can be beneficial. As children grow up, they learn the difference between right and wrong. __Their morality develops from the pressure their parents place upon them to be a good person and to make wise decisions. From the time they are born until they grow older, their environment shapes them to become who they are.__ When given a strong support system and hope for the future, the pressure of succeeding can be a positive thing. Learning that the choices they make cause a chain reaction encourages them to do their best at whatever they choose to do.**<<Incomplete description here.** __When a person is given an opportunity in life, they are pressured to make the best of what is given to them.__ Speaking of what is given to people, the human body is a gift and it must be cherished.**<<Seems thrown in here.** __The pressure to remain physically and mentally healthy is detrimental to an enjoyable life__. __Society exerts the notion that exercise and eating right will boost the endorphins in one’s body to make them a happier person.__**<<Where did this even come from?** This is true, but in order to abide by the pressure of being physically healthy, one must remain mentally healthy as well. Being proud of oneself is difficult at times.**<<I would take this out. Distracts and is incomplete.** The __pressure placed upon people by their friends and family to love themselves is evident.__ No one wants to see them fail. The healthy pressures of life strongly outweigh the unhealthy pressures. It is only a matter of which road to take that determines the quality of life. There are many more societal pressure in the world that have the possibility to be categorized as healthy or unhealthy. **<<Too broad.** Drug and alcohol usage, abusing one’s state of mind and always striving to have more are just a few unhealthy pressures. Some healthy pressures consist of being the best person one can be, trying as hard as they can, and being mentally and physically healthy. The cloud that hovers is a choice one has to make. Frolicking **<<not the appropriate use of this term.** in the storm only leads to destruction. Soft, white clouds remain harmless and even helpful to society. This is how healthy and unhealthy pressure differs. They are the same, but under different circumstances, they differ unimaginably. When all is said and done though, they both effect each individual differently.**<<Incomplete thought here.**


 * Anna,**
 * You had some very descriptive language and good though processes in this writing. I feel like you left a lot of thoughts incomplete in attempts to cover a range of pressures. Pick two kinds of pressure, peer vs. family seems to be a strong point so far. Focus on the two kinds of pressure and how they are alike and how they differ. It might help you to draw a diagram to first compare the two, then think about how you want to organize those thoughts in your paper. Right now, the writing does not seem thought-out enough. 'Healthy' vs. 'unhealthy' pressure is a very subjective comparison and right now it seems a little confusing. I suggest you compare the sources of pressure and how those pressures complicate each other. The party scene was good because it presented two sources of pressure and you could expand on how those conflict. I would stick with one solid example, like the party scene, and then talk more broadly about your experience with those sources of pressure or a broader view on how those pressures can develop and affect people throughout their life.**


 * Each line that I underlined in your essay is a different form of pressure. As you can see, this is way too many examples of different kinds of pressures. Pick two of these kinds of pressures to compare and stick with those two. That way, you can explain what you mean more thoroughly and fully develop your thoughts. Again, feel free to ask questions. I will check the wiki often in order to help you as much as possible. Try to answer my questions within the piece by expanding on those incomplete thoughts. I am hoping to see a more focused and developed piece next time, one that is more thought-out ahead of time. Really take the time to address my comments in your next draft.**


 * Courtney**

Revision **Comparison** (posted **RHS** March 2 -- **171** March 4)

Why do people decide to make the decisions they do at certain points in their lives? **<<What kind of decisions at what points in their lives?** Societal pressure follows people wherever they go**. <<You didn't introduce the idea of societal pressure before telling the reader that it follows people. Introduce what you mean by societal pressure and how that connects with people's decisions before going on.** Negative pressure such as the use of drugs and alcohol and rebelling against one’s parents tend to destroy the livelihood of many people nowadays **<<What people and why? How does the use of drugs and alcohol relate to societal pressure? How do these things destroy someone's livelihood?**. Trust, relationships, and one’s own credibility can be taken in an instant if negative pressure consumes their lives. **<<Negative pressure coming from where?** Positive pressure on the other hand has the ability to benefit one’s life. The demands to always be a good person and do what is right can only improve the quality of life. Family and friends are the two main sources of pressure. **<<This is more clear. I would state this earlier and not confuse the reader with the drugs and alcohol bit. I thought this paper was going to be about societal pressure and drugs.** Peer pressure versus family pressure can often be like the repelling force of a magnet.**<<Good analogy here. Anything that will help the reader to understand the power of these pressures and how they can impact someone.** The positive side and negative side are two completely different charges, but they come together to make it work. Just like peer pressure and family pressure, it is imperative to balance the pressure in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle. The similarities and differences between these two pressures vary, but are quite easy to observe. Someone may ask, what are some pressures that have a negative effect their own life? Peer pressure can be devastating due to the fact that not everyone is looking out for the best interest of their friends. Drugs and alcohol are a constant reminder of the ways that peer pressure can effect one’s life. A highschool girl gets an invite to the party of the year. She has this feeling in the pit of her stomach that something is wrong. Both of her parents are alcoholics and she does not want to end up like them. Her friends tell her that in order to be cool, she has to drink and party. Alcohol has ruined her parents’ lives by suffocating any chance of success for them. Every where she goes she hears her friend’s voice, “Come on, it’ll be okay. There’s no way you’ll end up like them, you know how to control it.” Her friends don’t really know her. The girl knows as soon as she takes that first drink, she won’t be able to stop. She wants to drown away every memory of the past and forget about it all. Alcohol has the ability to do that. It also can ruin her life much like it did her parents. She decides to go anyways. Her friends are happy because she chose to go, but she know, she knows that what she is about to do is wrong. Why did she make the decision to go to the party? Was it because she felt the need to be accepted by people who continued to tell her what was good for her? Why did she allow them to have influence over her even when she knew they were wrong? Peers are a main source of influence for people when they don’t have any other basis for their own identity. Those who fall deeply under peer pressure aren’t always true to themselves because they want to please **others**. Another example of negative pressure would be the need to always look they best. Billboards, magazines, and television display images of the ideal person for advertisement. If one were this skinny, they would be happy__.__ If one wore these clothes, they would be happy. If one drove this car, they would be happy. All of these images create an illusion in the human mind of true happiness and contentment. Without the ability to find what makes people happy, they don’t get the chance to find who they are. The media puts pressure on people, but everyone around them judges them to the point where they feel it is necessary to conform to be happy with themselves. Appearance is not the only example that this theory applies to. The tremendous pressure to succeed in order to maintain materialistic wants is another form of unhealthy pressure. A person who works day and night in order to drive a nice care and own a huge house is under the intent and pressure to impress their peers. America’s culture in particular is based around materialism. Whoever has the best clothes, nicest car, and biggest house always wins. Therefore, people work their lives away trying to maintain these absurd ideas. They pass this pressure on to their children that bigger is better. Lots of money in the long run is not the route to happiness. **I see where you are going here, but I'd like to know what one's happiness has to do with their decisions.** Yes, it is important to work hard, but kids need to seek a carreer in which they love, not what will abide by the pressures of society. Not all pressure is negative pressure, though. There are instances in life where societal pressure can be beneficial. As children grow up, they learn the difference between right and wrong. Their morality develops from the pressure their parents place upon them to be a good person and to make wise decisions. From the time they are born until they grow older, their environment shapes them to become who they are. **<<I like this idea of being shaped by our environment, I think you need to connect this more with parents or family members specifically. What is this 'support system' supporting? How can this add both positive and negative pressure to one's life or decisions?** When given a strong support system and hope for the future, the pressure of succeeding can be a positive thing. Learning that the choices they make cause a chain reaction encourages them to do their best at whatever they choose to do.When a person is given an opportunity in life, they are pressured to make the best of what is given to them. Speaking of what is given to people, the human body is a gift and it must be cherished**.** The pressure to remain physically and mentally healthy is detrimental to an enjoyable life. **<<Again, you are straying from your focus here. Why are we talking about the body now? What does this have to do with parents vs. friends pressure?** Society exerts the notion that exercise and eating right will boost the endorphins in one’s body to make them a happier personThis is true, but in order to abide by the pressure of being physically healthy, one must remain mentally healthy as well. Being proud of oneself is difficult at times. The pressure placed upon people by their friends and family to love themselves is evident. No one wants to see them fail. The healthy pressures of life strongly outweigh the unhealthy pressures. It is only a matter of which road to take that determines the quality of life. There are many more societal pressure in the world that have the possibility to be categorized as healthy or unhealthy. Drug and alcohol usage, abusing one’s state of mind and always striving to have more are just a few unhealthy pressures. Some healthy pressures consist of being the best person one can be, trying as hard as they can, and being mentally and physically healthy. The cloud that hovers is a choice one has to make. Frolicking in the storm only leads to destruction. Soft, white clouds remain harmless and even helpful to society. This is how healthy and unhealthy pressure differs. They are the same, but under different circumstances, they differ unimaginably. When all is said and done though, they both effect each individual differently**.**


 * Hey Courtney, The Intro and the beginning of the first paragraph are different but I will post the other up tonight, I just wanted to give you atleast something to work with in class today. Im really sorry. I have been crazy busy these past two week **


 * Anna,**


 * I think you are doing a lot of good work in this draft. I noticed that you tried to address a lot of the points I made in your last draft. This is good. However, I think switching from "unhealthy vs. healthy pressures" to "negative and positive" is slightly more clear, but if you are going to use those terms, you need to define what it means to have a "negative" pressure, what about it makes it negative? Is it the decisions made by the result of that pressure that make it negative or positive? If so, how?**


 * I understand you have been busy. Don't worry, as long as you keep trying to make progress in every draft and really read-through and expand on your thinking, I think your effort will show. See you tomorrow!**


 * Courtney**

Hey courtney, do you mind if I have your email address to send you the essay I wrote about my sister? I'll post it on here too but sometimes it gets confusing for me to read your responses on the wiki. If that's not okay than that's fine! Just wondering!


 * MY E-MAIL: broyles.courtney@gmail.com**
 * Hopefully, the lines I made help to break it up for you. I will have all of my comments in bold from now on. Please try to post in regular black so that my comments stick out to you more.**

My Comments are in bold in both black and your color. Sorry for the confusion.

It is amazing to me what the bond of two sisters can endure. Through everything, my sister, Rachel and I have remained thick as thieves. <<**Avoid using cliches. It will force you to use specific descriptive language.** She is one of the most important aspects**<<Aspect doesn't seem like the right word here.** of my life and I have learned multiple lessons from her that I never would have experienced otherwise. Trials and tribulations**<<another cliche. What kind of struggles or 'trials' specifically?** have tested her ability to cope with pressure and change from a very young age. As a child, she was my care taker, my shepherd. She was always the girl that would help anyone in need. Her growth**<growth doesn't seem to be the right word here.** into adolescence, though,**<<Could get rid of 'though'** changed her completely. The pressure of being such a good person with so much responsibility was the straw that broke the camel’s back.**<<another cliche.**

**Maybe enter the word 'starting' here?** At five years old, my sister had already faced the pressure of being an elder sibling with a single parent. She realized that it was her job to care for me when my mom could not. After**<Could get rid of 'after' here.** growing up with that mentality made her conscious **to<<become 'of'** the fact that there are many people out there that she could help. **'that she had the power to help more than her family?** She was a caring, loving individual whom which her friends not only relied on, but depended on.**<<Love this line! Very descriptive and specific to your sister and her relationship with others. Shows me something about your sister without you having to say a whole lot.** She played a motherly figure in their lives and was always there to listen to them and give them advice. The advice she dolled out**<<cliche 'dolled out'** was her transfer of God’s love. **<<I like this idea of her transferring her love in the same current that God loves all of his children, kind of that religious allusiveness to it. In the next sentence you should explain what you mean by that transfer. Why is she the one transferring God's love? Show her relationship with God and how that affected her relationships and the way she treated others.** She kept multiple journals praying for my mom and her friends. She exerted complete selflessness and stayed humble and true to her God.**<<How does this relate back to how she is perceived by others or cares about others?** She loved him with all of her heart and everybody could see that. His work through her was helping her friends and family through rough parts of their lives. On top of being a loving, caring person, she was **also** responsible.**<<How was she responsible? In what ways? How does this tie back to how people see her and her overall demeanor of being a 'good christian girl'?** Since she had built this image of herself, she had a multitude of responsibilities to tend to. I was always considered her number one priority. She knew that as my older sister, it was her job to care for me when my mom was busy.**<<This line could be completely taken out, it is exactly repeating what you said a paragraph ago.** Although we only differed in seventeen months, her strength and wisdom were overpowering**<<Is this the right word here? If so, why? How did her wisdom 'overpower' you? This makes it seem like she is an authority over you or implies that she undermined you.** to me. School was a constant reminder of her ability to deal well with responsibility. She always came home with straight A’s and relentlessly finished her homework. Accelling on standardized tests allowed her to be placed into multiple advanced classes. By setting the bar higher and higher, she continued to build stress in her life that eventually lead her to her breaking point.

In one summer, her life changed forever. And then she ran away from home. <<Save these last two lines for the next paragraph. It is difficult to determine which pressures made her __rate of change so rapid__ **<<'rate of change' is very scientific language compared to the story-telling tone you have had so far. I would find words to replace these that keep your tone consistent.**, but it was significant. She started hanging out with different crowds of people who __varied__**<<again, 'varied' in the way you use it here has a very scientific sound to it. Try to stay consistent with your tone. Write it the way you would say it.** from age nineteen to age forty. These people talked her into believing that life was basically a game. A care free world surrounded her and as long as they were what was most important, nothing else mattered.**<<How were her friends the only thing that was important to her? How did she show you and others what was important to her/the change?** I felt abandoned, left in the dust.**<<'left in the dust' could be a little cliche. Try to describe how you felt and why you felt this way. 'Abandoned' seems more descriptive, so go along those lines.** She had changed so quickly without any warning that I had lost who she was. Her spunk was gone. Her love for others was gone. Her love for God was gone. She reverted to alcohol and drugs as a release of her frustrations with the past.**<<What frusterations with the past and how do you know this? What did it seem like she was doing and why?** In the new life she lead, she based her opinions and beliefs on what her friends told her. Adolescence was a revelation**<<'revelation' seems like the wrong word here.** into the furious world of peer pressure. Instead of relying on God to feel loved, she reverted**<resorted?** to promiscuity in hopes of finding the love that she thought she lacked.**<<the love she lacked or the love she was looking for? Did she feel unloved? If so, how did her friends or the pressure of her friends play into her new found promiscuity?** In reality, everyone around her loved her dearly, but she became oblivious**<<oblivious to what?** and pushed us aside**<<How did she push you all aside?**. Daddy was gone, and it was his fault for her turning to older men because they loved her like he never had.**<<Where did this come from? Why was dad's role not included in her previous description? What about her relationship with her dad informed her big change into another person? What does this have to do with the pressure she felt and the sources of pressure?** Truthfully, I believe that was an excuse to justify her actions and solidify her righteousness. Not only did her actions being**<<sounds strange** to change, but so did her attitude towards what was most important to her in life.**<<You have mentioned this before. How so?** Rachel had been influenced by many different pressures up to her adolescence and into her teen years. ** <<Like what/who? How did these pressures show to those around her? ** When her prorities began to change, so did her grip on reality. College was no longer a goal as she got older. She only focused on making it out of high school and receiving her diploma. Her faith in God was transferred into a “spiritual awakening” that consisted of burning sage while listening to Joss Stone and smoking a joint in the bathtub. ** <<Very descriptive, I like it. But, what do you mean by 'spiritual awakening'? Describe more of what she defined as the awakening and possibly, why. ** This was her release. Pressure from the outside world could no longer effect her. ** <<What pressure from the outside world? I feel like you just need to say directly, in the previous paragraph, what pressures made her change tge most and how you could tell/why you would guess that. ** Despite her opinion, she was a ball of putty and was ** <<could delete 'and was' here. ** in the world’s hands. ** <<Cool sentence. Very informative about her complacency. ** From a second hand perspective, watching Rachel’s transformation fascinated me. Her mistakes taught me more about myself and family than I could even put into words. Despite her relentless oopsies and uh oh’s, my mom and I have clung for dear life onto the person that we once knew. Rachel’s interior motive **<<interior motive seems scientific sounding again.** to be her own person is triggered from breaking under the pressure and resulted in rebelling against conformity and popular belief. **<<popular beliefs or her beliefs?** She is still the angel she used to be, but her wings are frayed and broken. Time heals all wounds .**<<Could get rid of this last sentence. Just a cliche that doesn't say much about Rachel.** An article called “Understanding the Teen Years” written by Heidi M. Sallee, MD, **<<Could be restated as "In 'Psychologist' Heidi M. Sallee's article about adolescence, "Understanding the Teen Years," she claims that** states that the "coming of adolescence consists of internal changes that are not necessarily noticeable from the outside". ** <<You need to put quotes around any language that she specifically said in her article. Also, talk about why you chose this article and what it says about Rachel's experience and the overall 'teen' experience.** Everyone goes through puberty and adolescence, but it may not be dealt with the same for everyone. People have an ability to choose the way they handle dealing with the pressures in their life. Some people’s methods of coping have the chance to change their lives forever and leave imprints on who they are <<**In this last sentence, bring it back to Rachel, just mention something along the lines of "I learned about how pressure can affect people and the role pressure plays in the shaping of a young person's life from my sister Rachel. Her decisions based on the pressure she felt from _, _, and _ will affect her for the rest of her life....blah blah blah. Basically, summing up your thoughts and reactions to your sister and how people perceived her and the way she changed.**


 * Anna,**


 * A few things. First of all, this is the best writing you have done so far. Congrats, you are improving as a writer!! Your use of descriptive language and smoother transitions really show an improvement from previous drafts. I think you are closer to communicating your ideas and message clearly. However, these things are easier to do in a more narrative type piece, especially from first person.**
 * Things I'd like you to address in your final draft: So, you said 'then she ran away' but never elaborated on that story. Are you going to insert that story into the equation to show her change? I think you should if you feel like it informs what you say after the story. Also, you should either not mention the dad thing, or describe it more and how it fits into the context of your story. If he is a part of Rachel's change, than say so and show how. You use a lot of cliches in this work, try to replace all of the cliches I noted with phrases or descriptions that apply to how you feel or Rachel specifically.**

__**My challenge to you in your final draft:**__


 * - Talk about how this is a comparison and clearly define that you are comparing the person she was to the person she became and how. This could be done in just a few sentences or throughout the work.**


 * - Address as many of my comments as possible. Either fix those things or make decisions about the writing based on my comments in order to improve on those things. I will be going back and looking at every comment this time to see how you have changed or fixed those things in the final draft.**


 * - Work on the overall flow of the piece. Read it aloud to make sure you don't trip up anywhere while reading. This is important part of a final draft--a final draft implies that you have corrected all of your mistakes and think that your final product is a shiny, smooth piece that you feel proud of. Re-reading after making corrections is the best way to make sure your work is at its best.**


 * - Remove/replace all cliches.**


 * - The overall length of your paper should increase if you make the changes and expand appropriately based on my comments and anecdotes and descriptions.**


 * - Bring in more experiences that inform the change or your/others reactions to it. This is like bringing in evidence since they are the only things that can tell us more about Rachel/the overall change specifically.**


 * - If outside sources are required for this paper, bring in more that go with what you are saying about pressure and how people can change. This doesn't have to be scientific, this can be from opinion/news articles that relate to your story. Stuff from the news or articles about troubled teens. Anything that when you read it, you think of Rachel. And then show the connection that you see to the reader so that the source doesn't seem thrown in.**

Final **Comparison** (posted **RHS** March 9 -- **171** March 11) It is amazing to me what the bond of two sisters can withstand. Through everything, my sister, Rachel and I have remained close. She is one of the most important people in my life and I have learned multiple lessons from her that I never would have experienced otherwise. The internal struggles she has endured have tested her ability to cope with pressure and change from a very young age. As a child, she was my care taker, my shepherd. She was always the girl that would help anyone in need. Her venture into adolescence changed her completely. The pressures she has coped with for her entire life eventually broke her.

Starting at five years old, my sister had already faced the pressure of being an elder sibling with a single parent. She realized that it was her job to care for me when my mom could not. Since she grew up with that mentality, she became conscious of the fact that there are many people out there that need her help. She was a caring, loving individual whom which her friends not only relied on, but depended on. She played a motherly figure in their lives and was always there to listen to them and give them advice. The advice she offered to her friends was her transfer of God’s love. **<<Transfer doesn't seem like the right word here. What do you mean by 'transfer'?** He spoke through her as his orator, spreading the message of his word. She exerted complete selflessness and stayed humble and true to him. Through her, he gave people a little glimpse of heaven**.** She loved him with all of her heart and everybody could see that. Her hands were his, her eyes were his, and her heart was his. Aside from being a loving, caring person, she was also responsible. Her main responsibilities were her family and school work.**<<Were these her priorities? What does this say about her?**

Since she had built this image of herself, she had a multitude of responsibilities to tend to. I was always considered her number one priority. Although we only differed in seventeen months, her strength and wisdom were incredible to me. It always surprised me to see such a young girl who was so involved with her family. She kept in touch with loved ones through phone calls and letters, which showed them how much she truly cared. Sometimes I thought that she was a little too responsible with me, but that is just a matter of my personal opinion.**<<How was she 'too responsible' with you? And what is your opinion about it, how did it affect you?** Older siblings have a tendency to act bossy every now and again. Another Rachel carried upon her shoulders was school. Her grades remained a constant reminder of her ability to deal well with responsibility. She always brought report cards home that dripped with straight A’s and relentlessly found time to finish her homework. She excelled on standardized tests which placed her into multiple advanced classes. By setting the bar higher and higher, she continued to build stress in her life that eventually lead her to her breaking point.

In one summer, her life changed forever. And then she ran away from home.

It is difficult to determine which pressures made her change so quickly, but the difference was significant. She began hanging out with different crowds of people who diverted her from her original path. These people talked her into believing that life was basically a game. A care free world surrounded her and as long as they most important, nothing else mattered. Rachel forgot about her old friends. When they called her for advice, she hit ignore. Concern for others contentment was no longer her intention. She began only focusing on her well-being and how other people’s actions affected her. I felt abandoned. My sister was a stranger. **<<How did she become a stranger to you?** Her door was always closed to me. No longer was I the little sister that she cared for as if I were one of her own. I became someone she despised. When we fought, I could feel her anger fill the room. She was resentful and never ceased to take it out on me. Her spunk was gone. Her love for others was gone. Her love for God was gone. She reverted to alcohol and drugs as a release of her frustrations with her past pressures. In the new life she lead, she based her opinions and beliefs on what her friends told her. Adolescence was a dramatic plunge into the furious world of peer pressure.**What kind of pressure? How did she end up there?** Instead of relying on God to feel loved, she resorted to promiscuity in hopes of finding the love that she was looking for. Without her God, she no longer felt that undenying love. Church was not exactly where her friends chose to congregate. Irritation towards my mother and I became prevalent because she blamed us for her loneliness.**<<You became prevalent? How so?** In reality, we her loved her dearly, but she became oblivious to our efforts and pushed us aside. Not only did her actions towards us change, but so did her attitude about what was most important to her in her old life.

Rachel had been influenced by many different pressures up to her adolescence and into her teen years. Mental and emotional turmoil was obvious to those around her. She was always tired and volatile. Her depression began to consume her life**.** When her priorities began to change, so did her grip on reality.**<<How did she lose grip on reality? Show instances where this became apparent to you and others.** College was no longer a goal as she got older. She only focused on making it out of high school and receiving her diploma. Her faith in God was transferred into a “spiritual awakening” that consisted of burning sage while listening to Joss Stone and smoking a joint in the bathtub. This was her release. Pressure from the past could no longer affect her. Despite her opinion, she was a ball of putty in the world’s hands.

From a second hand perspective, watching Rachel’s transformation fascinated me. **<<Is fascinated the right word here? You show a lot of emotion in the writing before, to turn to fascinating alone, seems a little vague.** Her mistakes taught me more about myself and family than I could even put into words. Despite her relentless mistakes, my mom and I have clung for dear life onto the person that we once knew. Rachel’s desire to be her own person was triggered from breaking under pressure and resulted in rebelling against conformity. She is still the angel she used to be, but her wings are frayed and broken.

"In 'Psychologist' Heidi M. Sallee's article about adolescence, "Understanding the Teen Years," she claims that, "The coming of adolescence consists of internal changes that are not necessarily noticeable from the outside". Although Rachel’s change was visible, not every teen is as blatant about their struggle. Everyone goes through puberty and adolescence, but they may not be deal with it the same for way. People have an ability to choose how they handle the pressures in their life. Some people’s methods of coping have the chance to change their lives forever and leave imprints on who they are. I have had the chance to experience the complete transformation of my sister and can now understand how pressure plays a huge role in paving each young person’s path. ** <<Seems thrown in and confuses your point. This information might be better used within and throughout your other points in the writing. **


 * Anna,**


 * I see you have given some attention to the things I've mentioned as well as putting more information in your writing. I see the work that is being done and think it would benefit you if you had more time to give to your writing. You need to expand on your points and really think about what it is you're trying to communicate to your reader. In your next draft, I am going to highlight any word that is not properly used within the context of your writing. That seems to be a consistent problem and the use of vocabulary can influence your message and credibility. I had the same issue when I was your age and college professors called me out on it right away. It is one thing to sound academic and knowledgeable, it is another to use words that do not fit in your writing. Just be careful and write your paper in a way that you would say it first, so that the message does not get lost in the language.**


 * I see the improvements but I think you could be doing more here. I'm anxious to see what you have to say in your reflection and look forward to reading your argument paper.**


 * I will give more detailed feedback on your next writing.**


 * Courtney**
 * Reflection #2 (RHS ** March 16 -- **171** March 25)

Rough Draft **Argument** (posted **RHS** April 6 -- **171** April 8) How often is it that when people hear the words peer pressure, that a positive image comes to their mind? Peer pressure is not necessarily negative. The pressure to become a leader and motivate others to do so as well still remains in society. **Where?** The influences of others always seem to captivate people in life changing ways. **Influences that cause pressure? How?** Those young adults who decide to stand up for what they know to be right challenge peoples’ perception of the stereotypical concept of peer pressure. **Who are 'those' young people? Why is it significant that they are young people?**

Organizations and clubs such as National Honor Society and National Council on Youth Leadership offer opportunities for kids **Kids? I would specify the age group and why it is important to your argument before you continue.** to positively influence their schools and communities. When kids take these opportunities and become leaders in their community, they have the ability to leave everlasting footprints wherever they go. **How? In what ways?** It is so easy to forget the importance of recognizing positive actions and good character. **Why?** When teens decide to make positive choices in their lives because of the people that surround them, it is evident that there truly is such thing as positive peer pressure. Some may say that not all teens are affected by organizations such as this, but some truly are. Despite what their peers may say, there are teenagers all over that rise above the influence daily. Dedication and passion to aid people in need drive these kids to ponder what they believe to be truly important in life. Yes, the majority of teenagers nowadays resort to other activities in their spare time, but there are the select few who thrive on helping others. Instead of smoking weed, they get high on life.

Some kids even have the audacity to rise above negative peer pressure and begin to change the world. **Is audacity really the appropriate word here? How do/can they change the world? How are they rising above negative peer pressure? Where is the negative peer pressure coming from?** For example, a junior at Roosevelt High school, Talia Leman, had a vision that inspired people and changed multiple lives including her own. She founded an organization called RandomKid that gives children **Children?** connections to begin helping change the world. **What kind of connections? To do what? How is this a 'worldly' thing? Is it reaching out to other countries? Where specifically and why? Why did Talia start this organization and what peer pressure has she face both positive/negative?** A very wise seventeen year old Talia states her opinion on the idea of peer pressure. She says, “ Young people don’t know what isn’t possible, therefore everything is possible. There is no need to become someone because you already are someone.” Talia, along with many other teens, fight every day to undo the reputation that teenagers of this generation have earned. One bad seed can kill a crop, but that is why scientists have jobs.


 * Anna,**
 * I like the story of Talia and I'd like to know more about the organization and how it relates to peer pressure. I think that is what complicates your essay and brings it back to real life. The specific details will really inform your argument as long as you relate it to peer pressure. Your argument is somewhat unclear as to whether you think peer pressure is a good thing or a bad thing. You might want to clarify and then talk how it is good or bad and what young people have to do with that perception. You're off to a great start here. I think writing more will help you to flesh out a lot of your argument. Can't wait to see the next draft!**


 * Courtney**

Revision **Argument** (posted **RHS** April 13 -- **171** April 15)

Standardized testing has become the basis of the United States education system within the last decade. Filling in bubbles on an answer folder can be either a detrimental barrier or a great achievement in student’s academic path. **<<Really effective introduction sentence here.** Some **<<who are 'some'?** may say that standardized tests are crucial when determining America’s intelligence status in the world, but is that really what all of this stress**<<stress from who? Why are they stressed?** is about? Scores are sent to government agencies that analyze the data and construct graphs that give them information on the intellectual direction of the country. An act passed by George Bush in 2002 called “No Child Left Behind” places extreme pressure on students and teachers alike to follow regulations and fulfill expectations of the government. **<<How? What about this legislation changes education? In what ways specifically? Why do students and teachers feel pressured? Hint, it all comes down to money so talk about the purpose of the legislation and whether or not you think it is working.** Colleges are guilty of relying on standardized tests as well. **How do they rely on these tests exactly? Does this put more pressure on the student or the University?** The ACT and SAT are arguably the most important tests a student will ever take during their educational career. Too much emphasis is placed upon standardized testing. From the time children are in kindergarten until they graduate from high school, they are forced to sit at an empty desk with a number two pencil and fill in bubbles. Anyone can fill in bubbles. **Good point.** The real question is, is standardized testing a fair and efficient method of determining one’s intellect? **Good question.** Once a score is submitted into a student’s record, it is there indefinitely. **What score? Into what record? What is the significance of these scores being on one's 'record'?** There is no turning back at that point. When applying for colleges some kids have a difficult time finding schools, which are not community colleges, that will accept them. The state’s website, www.regents.iowa.gov, states **States? Is this a direct quote?** that Iowa public universities use what is known as an Index score to predict students’ success at a college level. There are four factors that complete an index score and the ACT or SAT score is one of them. **Source of this information?** Not only do colleges use tests to determine test scores, they also use them to reward scholarships to individuals to exceed expectations on standardized tests such as the ACT, SAT, or ITEDS. Most academic scholarship requirements call for a score of 28 or above on the ACT taking into account your GPA and test score. Therefore, those kids who score higher but have the same GPA have a better chance at getting those types of scholarships. **Interesting point here. What does this say about who gets a better education and why? What about the tests make them more important than GPA to some schools?** Another reason standardized tests are not effective is because they are not an accurate mode for measuring intelligence. **What is your working definition of intelligence for the purposes of this paper?** Intellect can be determined many different ways. For example, imagine high school boy, considered the genius of his class. He scored a thirty six on the ACT but had no people interaction skills that would allow him to excel in the work place outside of school. Some claim that it is not always necessary to work well with others as long as the job gets done, but this is not always true. According to the American Psychological Association, success in the work place has some to do with brain power, but not everything. They claim, “If you're looking to see if you'll do well at a job, you need to see if you have the personality that fits the job, not just the smarts to do the job”. **In text citation needed here.** How often is it that questions on standardized tests relate to what is happening in the lives of every student that takes them? A test cannot determine one’s work ethic, morals, or personality. Shannon Cofield, former CEO of United Way of Central Iowa claims, “I was a bad test taker in high school, but honestly, what got me where I am today was my ability to communicate with others and think outside of the box.” **What is your analysis of this combination of information? Do you have a proposed solution or a source that poses a solution?** Whether one believes if standardized tests are beneficial or not, there is no denying that they are not efficient when determining students’ ability to be applicable for a job in the real world. **Is there a such thing as different kinds of intelligence? For example, what if someone communicates efficiently and effectively but is bad at book work? What about musicians and writers? Where does this aspect of intelligence come in?** So how does this all relate back to the idea of pressure and it’s importance in our society? I’m a high school student at Roosevelt High School in Des Moines, Iowa. I have always placed above average on standardized tests and will most likely continue doing so. Although my test taking skills exceed expectations, I cannot help but notice my peers’ frustrations. I hear people say, “Wow! That was really hard”, or with a downtrodden expression, “I suck at math”. What people do not realize is that these tests often make kid’s feel insufficient or inadequate. **How does this effect their performance? What does it say about the measurement of intelligence overall?** They do not even make an effort oftentimes because they feel if they attempt to do well and fail, it is worse than not trying at all. Not to mention, teachers frustrations with standardized test taking. An article called Standardized Testing and It’s Victims written by Alfie Kohn states, “Prospective teachers are rethinking whether they want to begin a career in which high test scores matter most, and in which they will be pressured to produce these scores.” **This speaks to the ethics of standardized testing. What pressures do the teachers feel and why? How do these tests change the teacher-student relationship?** Excellent teachers are the foundation of education. When pressure to achieve test scores becomes more important than teaching, there is no question as to why the pleasure has been taken out of the job. Rules and regulations leave no room for creative and effective modes of learning. Administrators, too, are becoming more and more frustrated as pressure to reach new heights builds. An article written by the //New York Times// in Sept. 3, 2000 says, "a growing number of schools are rudderless, struggling to replace a graying corps of principals at a time when the pressure to raise test scores and other new demands have made an already difficult job an increasingly thankless one." **Why does the U.S. specifically feel the pressure to provide numeric results of progress in education? Where is this pressure originating and how does that effect the domino effect that it has in schools?** So it is clear that students are not the only ones’ fed up with filling in bubbles. Intellect surrounds us. It is one of the most important aspects of our society, but is it the most important? **<<This strays from your main point. The question connects, but I feel your paper thus far is moving in the direction of measurement of intelligence, rather than intelligence itself.** Pressure in academia is difficult enough, but the added pressure of standardized testing benefits only a small portion of the population. Hopefully one day, we will all come to the realization that maybe standardized tests are not as important as society thinks they are. The permanence of these scores and their ability to affect a student’s acceptance into a good school are one agreeable reason standardized tests are bad. They are also a substandard mode for measuring intelligence when placed in real life situations. **Wording in this sentence do no feel like your own. Be careful about using exact phrasing from a source without citing it.** Last, but not least, the pressure that students, teachers, and administrators alike deal with when trying to meet regulations is enough to make anyone want to just give up. That is why I believe that there are more imperative lessons to learn in the classroom and that pressure within academia to perform on standardized tests is inefficient and unnecessary. No more filling in bubbles, let’s learn something new.**<<Good, strong ending here. It really ties back to the intro. I am just worried as to whether or not you really came back to the idea of pressure as a result of these tests.**


 * Anna,**


 * This is by far the best writing I've seen of yours throughout the semester. Your effort and thoughts about the topic really showed in your argument. Providing support in this paper also helped quite a bit, but your transitions and explanations were also very strong. I would keep track of information or terms you're using from a source versus your own views and wording. You are on the edge of plagiarism in this essay and a college professor would definitely call you out on some of the phrasing and lack of citations. My job as your partner is to critique your writing though, and I think your writing has greatly improved here. I think expansion is your friend and hopefully you can see how developing your ideas help to bring your paper together overall. This is an important way of thinking that will be most useful in college. Let your argument always being aiming to convince the reader, therefore you will stay in the realm of your subject and expand on lose ends that would weaken your argument. Great job, you've done some great work this semester, you should be proud. Keep writing, it will help your writing to practice what you've learned. Good luck in your future endeavors! I know you will do great in college!**


 * Courtney Broyles**

Final **Argument** (posted **RHS** April 20 -- **171** April 23) Standardized testing has become a central element of the United States education system within the last decade. Filling in bubbles on an answer folder can be either a detrimental barrier or a great achievement in student’s academic path. Some may say that standardized tests are crucial when determining America’s intelligence status in the world, but is that really what all of this stress is about? Scores are sent to government agencies that analyze the data and construct graphs that give them information on the intellectual direction of the country. A bill passed by congress and championed by George Bush in 2002 called “No Child Left Behind” places extreme pressure on students and teachers alike to follow regulations and fulfill expectations of the government. Colleges are guilty of relying on standardized tests as well. The ACT and SAT are arguably the most important tests a student will ever take during their educational career. Too much emphasis is placed upon standardized testing. From the time children are in kindergarten until they graduate from high school, they are forced to sit at an empty desk with a number two pencil and fill in bubbles. Anyone can fill in bubbles. The real question is, is standardized testing a fair and efficient method of determining one’s intellect?  Once a score is submitted into a student’s record, it is there indefinitely. There is no turning back at that point. When applying for colleges some kids have a difficult time finding larger and better known schools that will accept them. The state’s website, www.regents.iowa.gov, states that Iowa public universities use what is known as an Index score to predict students’ success at a college level. There are four factors that complete an index score and the ACT or SAT score is one of them. Not only do colleges use tests to determine test scores, they also use them to award scholarships to individuals who exceed expectations on standardized tests such as the ACT, SAT, or ITEDS. Most academic scholarship requirements call for a score of 28 or above on the ACT as well as a high GPA. Therefore, those kids who score higher on standardized tests have a better chance at getting those types of scholarships even if they have the same GPA.  Another reason standardized tests are not effective is because they are not an accurate mode for measuring success. Intelligence can be determined many different ways. For example, one might imagine high school boy, considered the genius of his class. He scored a thirty six on the ACT but had no people interaction skills that would allow him to excel in the work place outside of school. Some claim that it is not always necessary to work well with others as long as the job gets done, but this is not always true. According to the American Psychological Association, success in the work place has some to do with brain power, but not everything. They claim, “If you're looking to see if you'll do well at a job, you need to see if you have the personality that fits the job, not just the smarts to do the job”. How often is it that questions on standardized tests relate to what is happening in the lives of every student that takes them? A test cannot determine one’s work ethic, morals, or personality. Shannon Cofield, former CEO of United Way of Central Iowa claims, “I was a bad test taker in high school, but honestly, what got me where I am today was my ability to communicate with others and think outside of the box.” Whether one believes standardized tests are beneficial or not, there is no denying that they are not efficient when determining every students’area of expertise when it comes to functioning in the real world.  So how does this all relate back to the idea of pressure and it’s importance in our society? I’m a high school student at Roosevelt High School in Des Moines, Iowa. I have always placed above average on standardized tests and will most likely continue doing so. Although my test taking skills exceed expectations, I cannot help but the frustrations of my peers. I hear people say, “Wow! That was really hard!” or with a downtrodden expression, “I suck at math.” What people do not realize is that these tests often make kid’s feel insufficient or inadequate. They do not even make an effort oftentimes because they feel if they attempt to do well and fail, it is worse than not trying at all. Not to mention, teachers frustrations with standardized test taking. An article called “Standardized Testing and It’s Victims” written by Alfie Kohn states, “Prospective teachers are rethinking whether they want to begin a career in which high test scores matter most, and in which they will be pressured to produce these scores.” Excellent teachers are the foundation of education. When pressure to achieve test scores becomes more important than teaching, there is no question as to why the prospective teachers are hesitant about the career. Teachers teach because they love their job but when they are forced to meet expectations with standardized tests, it adds unnecessary stress. Rules and regulations such as this leave no room for creative and effective modes of learning. Administrators, too, are becoming more and more frustrated as pressure to reach new heights builds. An article written in the //New York Times// in Sept. 3, 2000 says, "A growing number of schools are rudderless, struggling to replace a graying corps of principals at a time when the pressure to raise test scores and other new demands have made an already difficult job an increasingly thankless one." So it is clear that students are not the only ones fed up with filling in bubbles.  Intellectualism surrounds us. It is one of the most important aspects of modern society, but is it the most important? Pressure in academia is difficult enough, but the added pressure of standardized testing benefits only a small portion of the population. Hopefully one day, we will all come to the realization that maybe standardized tests are not as important as society thinks they are. The permanence of theses scores and their ability to affect a student’s acceptance into a good school is one general reason standardized tests are bad. They are also a substandard mode for measuring intelligence when placed in real life situations. Last, but not least, the pressure that students, teachers, and administrators alike deal with when trying to meet regulations is enough to make anyone want to just give up. That is why I believe that there are more imperative lessons to learn in the classroom and that pressure within academia to perform on standardized tests is unnecessary. No more filling in bubbles, let’s learn something new.

Reflection #3 (posted **RHS** April 23)