V.C.+--+Ashley+Wolterstorff

Letter of Introduction (posted January 20)

Hello,

My name is Ashley Wolterstorff, and I am a senior writing and biology double major here at Drake. I'm also pre-vet and hope to go to vet school next year. My focus in the writing department is creative writing; I try to write chapters in the young adult genre. Originally I'm from the Okoboji area--it's a small town with lakes. In my free time I love love love riding horses at Valley Park Stables, and am pretty much a horse freak. I haven't mentored or taught writing before so helping you will be my first experience.

-Ashley

Hello, My name is Veronica Cordova I was born in California, but I have lived in Des Moines, Iowa for fifteen years.I also lived in Mexico for two years. I went to school there for Kindergarden, first grade, and second grade. I'm a senior at Roosevelt High school. I'm graduating one year early.After graduating from high school I'm going to Aveda Institute for cosmetology programs which includes hair,skin care, nails, and make-up. I'm very exited to go there. After that I'm planning to go to a Christian college.Since I was little I liked art a lot and liked to make things with my hands. I like to make jewelry and paint in my free time. I'm also interested in design and beauty, I like to do make-up and hair. I have always liked to be creative in what I do. I like to have unique ideas. I like to play sports such as tennis and running. One of my accomplishments I was able to accomplish was running the Des Moines marathon in 2011. I like to set goals for myself and I hope that I can accomplish that in writing too.

I'm taking Ap lang because I want to be a better writer. I want to have stronger essays and be able to support my ideas when I write. I feel that I need to work better in my conclusions and supporting my ideas. I need to work on making my paper sound interesting.Writing when we are timed in class is hard for me, I feel that I write too slow and it's harder for me to put my ideas together. Having a person read my writings will be very helpful, I'm looking forward to the learning experience.

Thanks, Veronica Cordova


 * Personal Reflection on Topic of Inquiry **(posted** RHS ** January 27 -- **171 ** January 29)

If you there is one thing that brings emotion to me, it is when my people are being killed. People in Mexico are being killed due to drug-dealing and mafia conflicts today. People are being held captive, mafia's are demanding certain amounts of money on business, and people are simply being murdered. This has not only affected the children in schools who practice safety drills in case of a shooting, but familes in the United States. Due to drug-dealing and mafia conflicts, innocent people are being killed, persecuted, and families in the U.S are unable to visit their families in Mexico, all simply because consumers are purchasing large amounts of illegal drugs across the U.S border.

Over the years the U.S has had a diffulcult task in procteting the border from illegal drugs entering the United States.The United States has improved its technology to prevent illegal drugs from passing the border. These new technologies usually involve devices that can detect illega drugs in transportations,but this has not been enough because illegal drugs are still reaching the United States. Costumers are able to purchase illegal drugs in seconds, while innocent people are dying due to drug dealing shootings.

People in Mexico are being killed if they don't respond to the demands of the mafia's.These mafia's are assaulting businesses for certain amounts of money, which can cost the business to loose half of its profits in a week or a month. Mafia's are not only assaulting big and small own businesses, but is taking wealthy family members captive. When the family member is taken captive the mafia makes a deal with the family asking large amounts of money for their family member to be released. If the family member fails to respond to the deal, the mafia kills the family member.

Many wealthy people and people who have careers are being persecuted for their money. If the mafia see's something valuable they have, they will take it, and they have no say. Cars and houses are stolen and people are unable to fight for their belongings because they will be killed and also their families. The dangerous situations have caused Mexican families living in the U.S not to travel to visit their familes in Mexico. Tourist and families coming from America are usually targets for mafia's.

The demands of illegal drugs in the United States has not only caused large amounts of illegal drugs to cross the border line, but people living in Mexico to be in danger. While people buy drugs in the Us in seconds, Innocent people in Mexico are suffering the consequences. People don't realize how their actions can hurt others in many ways. So why do people buy illegal drugs? Why buy something that harms your body and affects the lives of innocent families.

If you **there—delete you** is one thing that brings emotion to me, it is when my people are being killed. People in Mexico are being killed due to drug-dealing and mafia conflicts today**—today isn’t needed**. People are being held captive, **mafias** are demanding certain amounts of money on **from businesses?** business, and people are simply being murdered **too bland, make stand out with something like “as if this isn’t enough people are also being randomly murdered (simply implies randomly)**. This has not only affected the children in schools who practice safety drills in case of a shooting, but **also their families** in the United States. Due to drug-dealing and mafia conflicts, innocent people are being killed, persecuted, and **their out of country families (delete US)** families in the U.S are unable to visit **their families in****(delete, too much use of “Families”)Mexico. All of these problems are due to sad fact that U.S. consumers are purchasing large amounts of illegal drugs across the border.** simply because consumers are purchasing large amounts of illegal drugs across the U.S border. **–I think you feel strongly about this, but it isn’t coming through in your writing. I tried to make it more filled with emotion, but that’s my writing, not yours. Go with your emotion.**

Over the years the U.S has had a **diffulcult** task in **procteting** the border from illegal drugs entering the **Their country (too much use to U.S/ United States)**United States. The United States has improved its technology to prevent illegal drugs from passing the border. These new technologies usually involve devices that can detect **illega** drugs in **transportations**;but this has not been enough because illegal drugs are still reaching **U.S. soil**. Costumers **Customers** are able to purchase illegal drugs in seconds, while innocent people are dying due to **shootings drug dealing causes** drug dealing shootings.


 * Mexicans** are being killed if they don't respond to the demands of the **mafias** .These **mafias** are assaulting businesses for certain amounts of money, which can cost the business **to****loose (delete)** half of its profits in **as little as** a week or a month. **Mafia's****(Mafias)** are not only assaulting big and small own**ed** businesses, but **is (delete) maybe add something like “more alarmingly are taking”** taking wealthy family members captive. When **a** family member is taken captive, the mafia makes a deal with the family**, demanding** large amounts of money for their family member to be released. If the family **member****(delete)** fails to respond to the deal, the mafia kills the family member.

Many **of the** wealthy **and those who have careers (delete****people and people)** who have careers are being persecuted for their money.**(Do you mean multiple mafias, or just one? Choose and stick to through the essay)** If the mafia sees something valuable, **they have(delete**), they will take it, **I deleted the ending**. Cars and houses are stolen and people are unable to fight for their belongings because they **and their family** will be killed. **These** dangerous situations have **stopped** Mexican families living in the U.S **from traveling** travel to visit their **loved ones in Mexico**. **Tourists** and families coming from America are usually targets for mafia's.**—Although a strong point, don’t put this in the end of paragraph, perhaps put one sentence before.**


 * Wordy, maybe put “The demand for illegal drugs in the U.S. has caused the people of Mexico to be in danger, while large amounts of these drugs cross the border”** The demands of illegal drugs in the United States has not only caused large amounts of illegal drugs to cross the **border**, but people living in Mexico to be in danger. While people buy drugs in the Us in **seconds—you already put this above**, Innocent people in Mexico are suffering the consequences. People don't realize how their actions can hurt others in many ways. So why do people buy illegal drugs? Why buy something that harms your body and affects the lives of innocent families.

--**This ending paragraph—while trying to wrap things up by restating your main points—is just too repetitive of what’s already been stated. I understand the questions at the end, but maybe instead use the call to action tactic, saying this violence isn’t worth buying something that harms your body and affects the lives of innocent families.**


 * --As I said before, I know that you feel strongly about this topic, but the emotion isn’t coming through very well. I think how close you are to this topic will help you write more strongly, stop holding yourself back. I rewrote parts to make it flow better, and you should use these as ideas of what to use. I think you should also, use spellcheck and reread your essay before you post, as there were a lot of typos**

Rough Draft **Definition **(posted **RHS ** February 3 -- **171 ** February 5)

The Demand

When we come to remind ourselves how the United States has kept a trade with so many countries, we come to a conclusion that America plays a major role as the big trade partner. The land of success has grown in its exports, imports, and trade, but there is one trade that the American federal government knows of, but it's illegal. The drug-cartel distributes illegal drugs from Latin America to mainly the USA, causing chaos among drug dealers, corruption in the government, and civilians being harmed. The drug cartel has always been an issue discussed by American leaders who want to protect the border from illegal drugs form passing through the border. Leaders have united to improve the protection of the American border by improving and supplying technology that will detect illegal drugs. Technology is able to detect illegal substances in transportation, but still illegal drugs are smuggled in. While the task is hard to handle, the demand of the US for illegal drugs continues. While the “Drug Wars” continue in Latin America, chaos has spread its way through. Drug dealers have grown in number, causing violence and dangerous conditions for civilians to live in. Families are forced to live at risk everyday as they go outside their homes. This intervenes with their daily lives and social lives. With the help of the corrupted government, drug dealers have put a fear in authority making themselves respected. The government of Latin America has been known for its corruption toward the people. Money has been used as a bribe that leads to no limitations. Since drug dealers gain big amounts of cash instantly, they can easily bribe the official, for the exchange of cash,. This makes the government no involve in the drug cartel because they already made a deal with drug dealers. The corruption of the government causes the drug dealers to emerge and continue the process of illegal drugs. As the drug cartel grows and spreads, it not only affects the US, but Latin America. Hispanics must deal wt all the violence that is in their home. Their outlook on daily chores changes to survival. With the corrupted government keeping its hands off from the drug cartel, this has given drug dealers an excuse to grow its supply in drugs. Due to the government not taking action to stop drug dealers form empowering the drug exports, the people of Latin America suffer.

When we come to remind ourselves how the United States has kept a trade with so many countries, we come to a conclusion that America plays a major role as the big trade partner. The land of success has grown in its exports, imports, and trade. There is one **growing** trade that the American federal government knows of, but it's illegal. The drug-cartel distributes illegal drugs from Latin America to mainly the USA, causing chaos among drug dealers, corruption in the government, and **harm to** civilians.
 * Thus far I don’t know what term you are defining, is it trade, drug cartel or??? You need to clearly point out what term you are defining in the first paragraph.**

The drug cartel has always been an issue discussed by American leaders who want to protect the border from illegal drugs passing through the border. Leaders have united to improve the protection of the American border by improving and supplying technology that will detect illegal drugs. Technology is able to detect illegal substances in transportation, but illegal drugs still are smuggled in. While the task is hard to handle, the demand **in** the US for illegal drugs continues.

While “Drug Wars” continue in Latin America, chaos has spread its way through **through where??? Do you mean “Chaos has spread its way through Latin America as the “Drug Wars” continue”?**. Drug dealers have grown in number, causing violence and dangerous conditions for civilians. Families are forced to live at risk everyday as they go outside their homes. This intervenes with their daily and social lives. With the help of the corrupted government, drug dealers have put a fear in authority**,** making themselves respected.

The government of Latin America **Doesn’t Latin America include South America? Aren’t we talking just of Mexico? Perhaps then Latin America isn’t the best word?** has been known for its corruption toward the people. Money has been used as a bribe that leads to no limitations. Since drug dealers gain big amounts of cash instantly, they can easily bribe the official**—I don’t know what this is--** for the exchange of cash. This makes the government no**t** involve in the drug cartel because they already made a deal with drug dealers.—**This sentence doesn’t make sense. It DOES make them involved.---This** corruption of government causes drug dealers to emerge and continue the process of illegal drugs.

As the drug cartel grows and spreads, it not only affects the US, but Latin America. Hispanics must deal with all the violence that is in their homes. Their outlook on daily chores changes to survival. With the corrupted government keeping its hands off the drug cartel, drug dealers have gained an excuse to grow **their** supply in drugs. Due to the government not taking action to stop drug dealers from empowering the drug exports, the people of Latin America suffer.

-**I made small corrections throughout the text so compare both drafts to note the changes. Drug cartel needs to clearly pointed out as your definition in the first paragraph. I still think that more of //you// needs to come through, so maybe polish and there will be an extra oomph to make the words spark. Because, while I gained knowledge on drug cartels, I still thought the wording in the sentences were pretty flat, much like a research paper and I don’t know if this is your goal. Overall I saw improvement from your first paper. And I think as you write more it will just come more naturally.**

Revision **Definition **(posted** RHS ** February 10 -- **171 ** February 12 )

The Demand

As reaching to the idea that it's needed to write an essay on the drug-cartel, suddenly recognizing how the United States obtains a “need” on illegal drugs from Mexico. This unlawful demand has set a foundation and motives that constructed this drug-cartel to grow in such dangerous ways. Not only Mexican people are affected ,but American leaders by their decisions to stop this shameful commerce. The drug- cartel is the distribution of illegal drugs from Mexico that sends to America, that maintains to bring long term affects in Mexico by producing chaos in neighborhoods, violence among civilians, and corruption in the Mexican government.

The drug cartel continues to be an issue discussed by American leaders who wish to protect the U.S border from illegal drugs. Leaders have united to improve the security of the American border by advancing their technology that will detect illegal drugs. The current technology is able to detect illegal substances in transportation, but even though illegal drugs are still smuggled in. According to New York Times, the experience of the drug-dealers and sneaky schemes makes the task for the United States tough and the demand for illegal drugs continues.

While the “Drug Wars” continue in Mexico, chaos has spread its way through. Many still don't understand how people are being killed and murdered because of the violence due to the drug-dealers. Many don't come to comprehend that the drug-cartel is a form of terrorism among innocent families. Drug dealers have grown in number, causing violence and dangerous conditions for civilians to live in. Living in Mexico for two years, I understood at a young age that people were harmed due to people selling drugs, not only committing a crime,but killing their own people. Drug dealers continue to force families to live in risk everyday as they go outside their homes. Los Angeles Times, reported that drug dealers have killed thousands and have left cities in fear. In the past and today, this destructiveness is still intervening with the daily and social lives of the civilians of Mexico.

During this time of difficulty for the country of Mexico, the government in Mexico due to the drug wars is known for its corruption toward the people. Money has been used as a bribe that leads to no limitations. Since drug dealers gain big amounts of cash instantly, they easily bribe the police officers, for the exchange of cash. The New York Times, has stated that killings have increased to eleven percent due to drug dealers, but yet the government has not taken enough action. The government not involved in the drug- cartel informs the Mexican population that the government is involved or either makes deals with the drug dealers. The corruption of the government causes the drug dealers to emerge and continue the process of illegal drugs with no barriers that come in their way.

As the drug cartel grows and spreads, it not only affects U.S political leaders, but Mexico. The Mexican public must live through all the violence that is in their home. Their neighborhoods are filled with fear and the control of the drug dealers is clearly visible in the streets. Their outlook on daily chores changes to survival. The government is corrupted, keeping its hands off from the drug cartel, giving drug dealers a free zone to grow its supply in drugs. Due to the government not taking action to stop drug dealers from empowering the drug exports, the people of Mexico suffer.

As reaching to the idea that it's needed to write an essay on the drug-cartel, suddenly recognizing how the United States obtains a “need” on illegal drugs from Mexico. –**This first sentence doesn’t make sense to me. I think it’s an important sentence that needs to be reworded, since it introduces your topic.** This unlawful demand has set a foundation and motives that constructed this drug-cartel to grow in such dangerous ways. Not only Mexican people are affected ,but American leaders by their decisions to stop this shameful commerce. The drug- cartel is the distribution of illegal drugs from Mexico that sends to America, that maintains to bring long term affects in Mexico by producing chaos in neighborhoods, violence among civilians, and corruption in the Mexican government.**—starting with “long term effects” this sentence is good. But you may want to reword what is before it to make it less wordy.**

The drug cartel continues to be an issue discussed by American leaders who wish to protect the U.S border from illegal drugs. Leaders have united to improve the security of the American border by advancing their technology that will detect illegal drugs. The current technology is able to detect illegal substances in transportation (**this is interesting and I would like to know how the technology does that)**, but even though illegal drugs are still smuggled in. According to New York Times, the experience of the drug-dealers and sneaky schemes makes the task for the United States tough and the demand for illegal drugs continues.

While the “Drug Wars” continue in Mexico, chaos has spread its way through. Many still don't understand how people are being killed and murdered (**You only need killed, OR murdered, not both)** because of the violence due to the drug-dealers. Many don't come to comprehend that the drug-cartel is a form of terrorism among innocent families—(**good strong point)**. Drug dealers have grown in number, causing violence and dangerous conditions for civilians to live in. Living in Mexico for two years, I understood at a young age that people were harmed due to people selling drugs, not only committing a crime,but killing their own people.---(**GOOD. I’m glad that you are talking about your own experience and I really really want to know what else you’ve experienced due to this. It could really deepen the impact of the paper)** Drug dealers continue to force families to live in risk everyday as they go outside their homes. Los Angeles Times, reported that drug dealers have killed thousands and have left cities in fear. In the past and today, this destructiveness is still intervening with the daily and social lives of the civilians of Mexico.

During this time of difficulty for the country of Mexico, the government in Mexico due to the drug wars is known for its corruption toward the people. Money has been used as a bribe that leads to no limitations. Since drug dealers gain big amounts of cash instantly, they easily bribe the police officers, for the exchange of cash. The New York Times, has stated that killings have increased to eleven percent due to drug dealers, but yet the government has not taken enough action. The government not involved in the drug- cartel informs the Mexican population that the government is involved or either makes deals with the drug dealers. The corruption of the government causes the drug dealers to emerge and continue the process of illegal drugs with no barriers that come in their way.—**This is a good sentence as well, it flows, it is grammatically correct.**

As the drug cartel grows and spreads, it not only affects U.S political leaders, but Mexico. The Mexican public must live through all the violence that is in their home. Their neighborhoods are filled with fear and the control of the drug dealers is clearly visible in the streets. Their outlook on daily chores changes to survival. The government is corrupted, keeping its hands off from the drug cartel, giving drug dealers a free zone to grow its supply in drugs. Due to the government not taking action to stop drug dealers from empowering the drug exports, the people of Mexico suffer. --**Okay, first off, like I wrote above, it is nice to hear your personal experience. Is it difficult for you to write about that? Or perhaps that kind of writing isn’t your style? Whatever it may be I want to push you to expand on that. Is there any specific instances that you were affected by the drug cartel? Visiting family, or something you witnessed while living there? I’m glad that more of you is showing through, but as always, I’m going to ask for more. This time I didn’t go through and correct grammatical misuse, because I want you to do that. I think all you really need to do is read through your writing, see if things make sense, and perhaps having a peer or a teacher proofread would help. Other people usually can pick out what we ourselves cannot in our writing.**

Final **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Definition **(posted**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';"> RHS ** February 17 -- **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">171 ** February 19 )

The Demand

The United States has a demand on Mexico for illegal drugs that have brought numerous consequences to both nations. This unlawful demand has set a foundation and motives that constructed the drug-cartel to grow in such dangerous ways. Not only Mexican people being affected ,but American leaders by their various decisions to stop this shameful commerce. The drug- cartel is the distribution of illegal drugs from Mexico to America, that still continues to run today.This dishonarable need is producing chaos in neighborhoods, violence among civilians, and corruption in the Mexican government.

Today the drug cartel continues to be a major issue discussed by American leaders who try to protect the U.S border from illegal drugs. American Leaders have united in one accord to improve the security of the American border by advancing their technology that will detect illegal drugs. The Livescience has reported that one of the newest technologies used to detect illegal drugs is radar. The radar detects underground tunnels and sends signals to radar antennas by sending a picture to earth. If a tunnel is detected colored dots with show and this will let Border Patrols know there is a high posibility that it is related to drug dealers. The current technology is able to detect illegal substances as quick as seconds, as fast as one types.But even though illegal drugs are still smuggled in. According to New York Times, the experience of the drug-dealers and sneaky schemes makes the task for the United States tough and the demand for illegal drugs continues.

While the "Drug Wars" continue in Mexico, chaos has spread its way through. Many still do not understand how people are being killed because of the violence related to drug-dealers. Many do not come to comprehend that the drug-cartel is a form of terrorism among innocent families. Drug dealers have grown in number, causing violence and dangerous conditions for civilians to live in. Living in Chihuahua, Mexico for two years, I understood at a young age that people were harmed due to people selling drugs, not only committing a crime,but killing their own people. Living in a busy city, deaths reported weekly due to drug wars, innocent women walking home killed,and young men forced to sell illegal drugs. Drug dealers continue to force families to live in risk everyday as they go outside their homes. Los Angeles Times, reported that drug dealers have killed thousands and have left cities in fear. In the past and today, this destructiveness is still intervening with the daily and social lives of the civilians of Mexico.

During these past years of difficulty for the country of Mexico, the drug wars have caused the government to be known for its corruption. Money has been used as a bribe that leads to no limitations. Since drug dealers gain outragious amounts of cash instantly, like one sends an e-mail. They easily bribe the police officers, for the exchange of cash. The New York Times, has stated that killings have increased to eleven percent due to drug dealers, but yet the government has not taken enough action. The government not involved in the drug- cartel informs the Mexican population that the government is involved or either makes deals with the drug dealers. The corruption of the government is leading the people to no longer trust the government since it has failed in maintaining social order and national security. This has caused drug dealers to emerge and continue the process of illegal drugs with no barriers that come in their way. An open goal in a soccer game with no goalie stopping the ball.

As the drug cartel grows and streghthens, growing strong as a pillar. The pillar is strong and respected by the government, but in reality it is a hazardness snake that bites its own people.The Mexican public must live through all the violence that is in their home. Mexico's neighborhoods are filled with fear and the control of the drug dealers is clearly visible in the streets. The outlook on daily chores changes to survival. The government is corrupted, the snake is loose and Mexican leaders keep their hands off from the drug cartel, giving drug dealers a free path to slither its supply in drugs, passing illegal drugs through its underground tunnels and the U.S border. Due to the government not taking responsibility to stopping drug dealers terrorism, the people of Mexico are suffering.

The United States has a demand on Mexico for illegal drugs that have brought numerous consequences to both nations. This unlawful demand has set a foundation and motives that constructed the drug-cartel to grow in such dangerous ways. Not only **are** Mexican people being affected ,but American leaders by their various decisions to stop this shameful commerce. The drug- cartel is the distribution of illegal drugs from Mexico to America, that still continues to run today. This dishonorable need is producing chaos in neighborhoods, violence among civilians, and corruption in the Mexican government. **This paragraph has changed so much, and is looking good.**

Today the drug cartel continues to be a major issue discussed by American leaders who try to protect the U.S border from illegal drugs. American Leaders have united in one accord to improve the security of the American border by advancing their technology that will detect illegal drugs. The Livescience has reported that one of the newest technologies used to detect illegal drugs is radar. The radar detects underground tunnels and sends signals to radar antennas by sending a picture to earth. If a tunnel is detected, colored dots **with** show and this will let Border Patrols know there is a high posibility that it is related to drug dealers. **I find this information interesting and I’m gaining knowledge through your paper.** The current technology is able to detect illegal substances as quick as seconds, as fast as one types. But even though illegal drugs are still smuggled in---**(this sentence could use some revision, some rewording like we talked about. Right now it’s a fragment)**. According to The New York Times, the experience of the drug-dealers and sneaky schemes makes the task for the United States tough and the demand for illegal drugs continues.

While the "Drug Wars" continue in Mexico, chaos has spread its way through. Many still do not understand how people are being killed because of the violence related to drug-dealers. Many do not come to comprehend—(**nice use of synonyms, i.e. understand and then comprehend)** that the drug-cartel is a form of terrorism among innocent families.(**Also, these opening sentences are strong and drill the readers with facts that evoke a response.)** Drug dealers have grown in number, causing violence and dangerous conditions for civilians to live in. Living in Chihuahua, Mexico for two years, I understood at a young age that people were harmed due to people selling drugs, not only committing a crime,but killing their own people. Living in a busy city, deaths (**were?)** reported weekly due to drug wars, innocent women walking home (**could be? Often were?)** killed,and young men forced to sell illegal drugs. Drug dealers continue to force families to live in risk everyday as they go outside their homes. The Los Angeles Times reported that drug dealers have killed thousands and have left cities in fear. In the past and today, this destructiveness is still intervening with the daily and social lives of the civilians of Mexico.

During these past years of difficulty for the country of Mexico, the drug wars have caused the government to be known for its corruption. Money has been used as a bribe that leads to no limitations. Since(**You don’t need “Since”)** drug dealers gain outrageous amounts of cash instantly, like one sends an e-mail. They easily bribe the police officers for the exchange of cash. The New York Times, has stated that killings have increased to eleven percent due to drug dealers, but yet the government has not taken enough action. The government not involved in the drug- cartel informs the Mexican population that the government is involved or either makes deals with the drug dealers. The corruption of the government is leading the people to no longer trust the government since it has failed in maintaining social order and national security. This has caused drug dealers to emerge and continue the process of illegal drugs with no barriers that come in their way. An open goal in a soccer game with no goalie stopping the ball. (**Good metaphor, your creativity is starting to come through more and more! However I’d suggest you put some words in that sentence like “It is like an open goal…” that makes it a simile)**

As (**You don’t need As) And again, nice simile!! This creates depth.** the drug cartel grows and strengthens, growing strong as a pillar. The pillar is strong and respected by the government, but in reality it is a hazardous snake that bites its own people. ---(**Boo ya)** The Mexican public must live through all the violence that is in their home. Mexico's neighborhoods are filled with fear and the control of the drug dealers is clearly visible in the streets. The outlook on daily chores changes to survival. The government is corrupted, the snake is loose and Mexican leaders keep their hands off from the drug cartel, giving drug dealers a free path to slither –**very nice--**its supply in drugs, passing illegal drugs through its underground tunnels and the U.S border. (**this final paragraph is great. And very strong. I think you should make the ending sentence a bit different. Something that makes a statement about how it has to change, something like “The people of Mexico will continue to suffer until the government takes responsibility and this terrorism is put to an end.” Something like that will make this even stronger.** Due to the government not taking responsibility to stopping drug dealers terrorism, the people of Mexico are suffering.
 * V—**
 * Your paper has changed so much and I can see you growing as a writer. Your incorporation of similes, and metaphors are fantastic. You make strong statements that put the information out there with no denial, and cover a difficult subject. I can see you trying, and achieving better writing** ** J All I’d suggest—aside from my other comments—is looking for some spelling errors and just reading it carefully. I don’t want you to get docked for typing mistakes and spelling. Overall this paper has turned out great and I’m excited to see what you write next.**

The purpose of my paper was to give information to the people living in the United States about the drug-cartel in Mexico and how it's getting worse. My intended audience was people living in the U.S because many do know about the drug-cartel issue, but a lot don't know how dangerous it is in Mexico right no.My audience was not the people of Mexico or Latinos since they already know what is happening. The exigence of my paper was to let readers know how the demand of illegal drugs affects people in Mexico, more than what we think. I used pathos to appeal to the emotion of readers and to express how people are being killed due to drug dealer violence. I wanted the readers to understand that even though many people are not involved in the drug-cartel they are still affected. The violence and dangerous conditions have caused many innocent people to die. Even people who have protested against drug dealer violence and journalist who have talked about the drug-cartel have been killed. The drug-cartel is a serious issue that is happening today and people need to know that people are being hurt by an illegal demand from the U.S.
 * <span style="color: #0068ff; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Reflection #1 **<span style="color: #0068ff; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">(posted**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';"> RHS ** February 20 -- **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">171 ** February 22)

I created a tone by talking about the reality of the drug-cartel. I didn't hold back and I said what is true which makes the tone sound serious. I used metaphors,similes, which compared the drug- cartel, the Mexican government, and the drug dealers.I provided information that came from the newspaper and also reserached to get true statistics. The main theme in my paper was that the drug-cartel affects all of Mexico including the government.

**I think you accomplished the goals you set for yourself in this assignment. Also, your tone is really starting to come through as your voice.**

<span style="color: #0068ff; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Rough Draft **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Comparison **(posted**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';"> RHS ** February 24 -- **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">171 ** February 26 )

Rising to Power

Humans tend to be followers, but they are few who choose to be leaders. A true leader has a purpose, a path, and destinity for more to aquire through them. We must be notified that they are groups, not leaders who force the public to obey their expectations. Drug dealers in Mexico and the Taliban have positioned their undeserved power through having a mission, increasing their members, establishing their wanted public support, getting the government's help, and hurting their people and nation.

To every leader there is one goal, one mission. Because the drug dealers and the Taliban are not leaders, but groups they have a mission they all have decided. The drug-cartel mission is to pass as much illegal drugs as possible to the United States to gain their own wealth. Money is their goal, they will sneak in large amounts of drugs across the border,no matter what it takes. The Taliban however has an outspoken mission that was told publicly to the people of Afghanistan. Their goal was to make Islam the national law. This was led by the Taliban leader Mullah Omar who took power in nineteen ninety- six in Kabul, Afghanistan. He founded Islamic religious schools known as madrassas, which would contribute to making the Islamic-Shia law as the naional government.

The drug dealers not only want to make tremendous profits from the drug-cartel,but they want to gain more members. Having more members will make their task more lighter and easier to handle. However the Taliban demands the number of members to increase with no excuse. In order to make a stronger foundation, excessive members determines that people believe in the principles of the Taliban are necessary for the obeying of the Quran.

Not only do these two groups desire for the joining of more followers,but they wish support in different ways. Drug dealers oppose protesters who want the drug war violence to end and are after the journalist who write against them in the Mexican newspaper. They want the public to be still and silent or else they are killed. The cooperation the Taliban demand is the respect for their "leaders" and the Islamic rules. The public either follows the rules or else they are publicly tortured.

The drug-cartel has made it expectations clear in Mexico,not only gaining support,but the government responding to the cause. The Mexican government has not done enough to stop this terrorist act against its citizens. The government has laid back and kept its hands in its pockets. Though the government has impacted this greatly it is not as strong as Afghanistan. The Taliban have not just gain members, but the national government has allowed the Taliban to take over the Afghani government, causing the Taliban to arise even higher.

The lack of brave governments in Afghanistan and Mexico have caused its people to be left alone to face these dangerous groups. Drug dealers have used weapons to kill people who report the crimes of the drug dealers to the police. They have killed whole families to erase all witnesses. The Taliban has used gasoline, weapons, public beatings, and tortures to silent all non-believers of their rules. The people of both these nations have suffered enormously because of these two "leaders" have taken over their home lands.

Though the rising of the drug-cartel and the Taliban differs they both demanded similarities in order to increase in popularity and in power. They both had step blocks and goals they needed to obtain in order to get respect. These two groups have hurted its own people and nation by eliminating safety and peace. They are not leaders, but groups who needed members to carry out their terrorist plan that would be destroy human rights and life values.

Rising to Power

Humans tend to be followers, but there are few who choose to be leaders. A true leader has a purpose, a path, and destinity for more—**good.** to aquire through them—**through what?**. We must be notified that they are groups, not leaders who force the public to obey their expectations—**I don’t quite understand this sentence. I think it’s the notified part that’s throwing me off of what you are trying to say. Do you mean “we must understand?” Something like We must understand that it is not leaders, but their groups who force the public……? Play around with it .** Drug dealers in Mexico and the Taliban **---Maybe make a distinction between them, because the way it’s worded now makes it sound like they connected instead of compared. Something like, ---Drug dealers in Mexico and the Taliban have much in common. They** have positioned their undeserved power through having a mission, increasing their members, establishing their wanted public support, getting the government's help, and hurting their people and nation.

To every leader there is one goal, one mission. Because the drug dealers and the Taliban are not leaders, but groups, they have a mission they all have decided. The drug-cartel mission is to pass as much illegal drugs as possible to the United States to gain their own wealth. Money is their goal, they will sneak in large amounts of drugs across the border,no matter what it takes. The Taliban, however, has an outspoken mission that was told publicly to the people of Afghanistan. Their goal was to make Islam the national law. This was led by the Taliban leader Mullah Omar who took power in nineteen ninety- six in Kabul, Afghanistan. He founded Islamic religious schools known as madrassas, which would contribute to making the Islamic-Shia law as the naional government.

The drug dealers not only want to make tremendous profits from the drug-cartel,but they want to gain more members. Having more members will make their task lighter and easier to handle. However, the Taliban demands the number of members to increase with no excuse. In order to make a stronger foundation, excessive members determines that people believe in the principles of the Taliban are necessary for the obeying of the Quran. **This last sentence could use some revision, it is long and packed, perhaps split it up.**

Not only **Not only suggests that what comes next is related. I’d suggest you start with “these”** do these two groups desire for the joining of more followers, but they wish support in different ways. Drug dealers oppose protesters who want the drug war violence to end and are after the journalists who write against them In the Mexican newspaper. They want the public to be still and silent or else they are killed. The cooperation the Taliban demands is the respect for their "leaders" and the Islamic rules. The public either follows the rules or else they are publicly tortured.—**What else happens to them?**

The drug-cartel has made it expectations clear in Mexico,not only gaining support,but **(also bribing the government ?)**the government responding to the cause. The Mexican government has not done enough to stop this terrorist act against its citizens. The government has laid back and kept its hands in its pockets **Good describing picture**. Though the government has impacted this –**what is “this”** greatly it is not as strong as Afghanistan—**Which government? Are we talking about Mexico here? I’m unsure of what point this makes**. The Taliban have not just gained members, but the national government has allowed the Taliban to take over the Afghani government, causing the Taliban to rise even higher.

The lack of brave governments in Afghanistan and Mexico have caused its people –**Their citizens--** to be left alone to face these dangerous groups. Drug dealers have used weapons to kill people who report the crimes of the drug dealers to the police. They have killed whole families to erase all witnesses.**—I like this because it is like evidence.** The Taliban has used gasoline, weapons, public beatings, and tortures to silent all non-believers of their rules. The people of both these nations have suffered enormously because these two "leaders" have taken over their home lands. **–I think you make great points here but you have used both “leaders” and “groups” saying they are and aren’t both. I think you should pick one term and stick to it. Although the point you made earlier about how they use groups to get power is very good. I’d keep that but maybe reword things here and there to show they are leaders in their own way. You could also incorporate gangs somehow, because I think that’s relevant to how they behave, but only if you want to.**

Though the rising of the drug-cartel and the Taliban differs, **(differed and demanded or differs and demands)** they both demanded similarities in order to increase in popularity and in power. They both had step**ping** blocks and goals they needed to obtain in order to get respect. These two groups have hurt **their** own people and nation by eliminating safety and peace. They are not leaders, but groups who needed members to carry out their terrorist plan that would be destroy human rights and life values.—**Again, you flip on groups and leaders. This sentence is strong and makes a point. BUT you are contradicting yourself by calling them both. “They are not true leaders, but cowards who use members to carry out…..” that could be a way around using groups, though both truly are groups, perhaps you want to do away with calling them leaders in the previous paragraphs.**


 * V—**
 * I think this is a great start to a rough draft. I understand what you are trying to say—these organizations have group members who do the bidding for the leaders, giving them power. But I don’t think is coming through very clearly, which I discussed above. Also, you could incorporate something more about what tactics they use to gain their power. That is interesting and powerful which will cause a response in a reader. Your writing is changing quite quickly and I expect you will change more draft by draft.** ** :) **
 * <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Thanks for the advice it is helpful :) I will do better next time! **

<span style="color: #0068ff; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Revision **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Comparison **(posted **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">RHS ** March 2 -- **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">171 ** March 4)

Rising to Power

Groups gain power and popularity in many ways. Some acquire this power by forcing the public to obey their beliefs, rules, and demands. This undeserved power places them in higher positions because they have demonstrated violence that brings fear to the people.Drug dealers have brought corruption to Mexico because of the drug-cartel, while the Taliban enforced Islam as their government,but both positioned their unearned power through having a mission, increasing their members, establishing public support, getting the government's help, and hurting their people and nation.

To every major group there is one goal, one mission. Because the drug dealers and the Taliban are groups they have a mission they all have decided. The drug-cartel mission is to pass as much illegal drugs as possible to the United States to gain their own wealth. Money is their goal, they will sneak in large amounts of drugs across the border,no matter what it takes. The Taliban however has an outspoken mission that was told publicly to the people of Afghanistan. Their goal was to make Islam the national law. This was led by the Taliban leader Mullah Omar who took power in nineteen ninety- six in Kabul, Afghanistan. He founded Islamic religious schools known as madrassas, which would contribute to making the Islamic-Shia law as the naional government.

The drug dealers not only want to make tremendous profits from the drug-cartel,but they want to gain more members. Having more members will make their task more lighter and easier to handle. However the Taliban demands the number of members to increase with no excuse. They encourage all men to join and even boys are persuaded to join the Taliban to make Islam stronger in Afghanistan. In order to make a stronger foundation for the Taliban, the excessive members determines that people believe in the principles of the Taliban. The growth of supporters serve as a symbol that the radical rules are necessary for the obeying of the Quran.

These two groups desire for the joining of more followers,but they wish support in different ways. Drug dealers oppose protesters who want the drug war violence to end and are after the journalist who write against them in the Mexican newspaper. They want the public to be still and silent or else they will kill them. The cooperation the Taliban demand is the respect for their "leaders" and the Islamic rules. The public either follows the rules or else they are publicly tortured. If a person in Afghanistan refuses to respect the "leaders" and the rules they will be beaten publicly, creating fear in the people. The Afghani people are left with no choice, but to follow their rules in order to live.

The drug-cartel has made its expectations clear in Mexico,not only gaining support,but the government responding to the bribe of the drug dealers. The Mexican government has not done enough to stop this terrorist act against its citizens. The government has laid back and kept its hands in its pockets. Though the government has help these "leaders", it is not as strong as Afghanistan. The Taliban have not just gain members, but the national government allowed the Taliban to take over the Afghani government, causing the Taliban to arise even higher.

The lack of brave governments in Afghanistan and Mexico have caused its citizens to be left alone to face these dangerous groups. Drug dealers have used weapons to kill people who report the crimes of the drug dealers to the police. They have killed whole families to erase all witnesses. The Taliban has used gasoline, weapons, public beatings, and tortures to silent all non-believers of their rules. The people of both these nations have suffered enormously because of these two powerful groups have taken over their home lands.

Though the rising of the drug-cartel and the Taliban differs they both demanded similarities in order to increase in popularity and in power. They both had stepping blocks and goals they needed to obtain in order to get respect. These two groups have hurted their own people and nation by eliminating safety and peace. They two groups earned their power by needing members to carry out and enforce their terrorist plan that would be destroy human rights and life values.

Groups gain power and popularity in many ways. Some acquire this power by forcing the public to obey their beliefs, rules, and demands. This undeserved power places them in higher positions because they have demonstrated violence that brings fear to the people. Drug dealers have brought corruption to Mexico because of the drug-cartel, while the Taliban enforced Islam as their government,**I think a period should go here.** But **Delete “but”** Both “**have”** positioned their unearned power through having a mission, increasing their members, establishing public support, getting the government's help, and hurting their people and nation. –**I think this opening paragraph is clear cut and logical, setting us up for the paper.**

To every major group there is one goal, one mission. Because the drug dealers and the Taliban are groups they have a mission they all have decided. The drug-cartel mission is to pass as **many** illegal drugs as possible to the United States to gain their own wealth. Money is their goal, they will sneak in large amounts of drugs across the border,no matter what it takes. The Taliban, however, has an outspoken mission that was told publicly to the people of Afghanistan. Their goal was to make Islam the national law. This was led by the Taliban leader Mullah Omar who took power in nineteen ninety- six in Kabul, Afghanistan. He founded Islamic religious schools known as Madrassas, which would contribute to making the Islamic-Shia law as the national government.

The drug dealers not only want to make tremendous profits from the drug-cartel,but they also want to gain more members. Having more members will make their task more **you don’t need “more”** lighter and easier to handle. However, the Taliban demands the number of members to increase with no excuse. They encourage all men to join and even boys are persuaded to join the Taliban to make Islam stronger in Afghanistan. In order to make a stronger foundation for the Taliban, the excessive members determines that people believe in the principles of the Taliban. The growth of supporters serve as a symbol that the radical rules are necessary for the obeying of the Quran.

These two groups desire for the joining of more followers,but they wish support in different ways. Drug dealers oppose protesters who want the drug war violence to end and are after the journalist**s** who write against them in the Mexican newspaper. They want the public to be still and silent or else they will kill them. The cooperation the Taliban demand is the respect for their "leaders" and the Islamic rules. The public either follows the rules or else they are publicly tortured. If a person in Afghanistan refuses to respect the "leaders" and the rules, they are beaten publicly, creating fear in the people. The Afghani people are left with no choice, but to follow the **Taliban’s** rules in order to live.

The drug-cartel has made its expectations clear in Mexico,not only gaining support, **but also governmental consent due to bribes—I think something like this sounds better, the wording of the last part of that sentence is off--** but the government responding to the bribe of the drug dealers. The Mexican government has not done enough to stop this terrorist act against its citizens. The government has laid back and kept its hands in its pockets. Though the government has helped these "leaders", it is not as strong as Afghanistan—**I am missing the connection/point here, not as strong as the country, or not as strong as The Taliban’s rule?**. The Taliban have not just gain**ed** members, but the national government allowed the Taliban to take over the Afghani government, causing the Taliban to rise even higher.

The lack of brave governments in Afghanistan and Mexico have caused its citizens to be left alone to face these dangerous groups. Drug dealers have used weapons to kill people who report the**ir** crimes to the police. They have killed whole families to erase all witnesses. The Taliban has used gasoline, weapons, public beatings, and tortures to silent all non-believers –**perhaps non-followers is better, because even though many follow, it doesn’t mean they believe--**of their rules. The people of both these nations have suffered enormously because these two powerful groups have taken over their homelands.

Though the rising of the drug-cartel and the Taliban differ**ed,** they both demanded similarities in order to increase in popularity and in power. They both had stepping blocks and goals they needed to obtain in order to get respect. These two groups **have hurt** their own people and nation by eliminating safety and peace. **They’ve** earned their power by needing members to carry out and enforce their terrorist plan**s****that destroy** human rights and life values. **–Perhaps another ending sentence to wrap everything up nicely, something similar to your thesis sentence to bring everything together and to a close. Reinforcement.**


 * V—**
 * I think you have gotten to the bulk of your paper. Now I must ask you to maybe flourish it as you did last time. Metaphors and other literary tools will help add dimension to your words and make your point have a big impact. Keep writing and I look forward to seeing what you have next.**

<span style="color: #0068ff; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Final **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Comparison **(posted **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">RHS ** March 9 -- **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">171 ** March 11)

Rising to Power

Groups gain power and popularity in many ways. Some acquire this power by forcing the public to obey their beliefs, rules, and demands. This undeserved power places them in higher positions because they have demonstrated violence that brings fear to the people.Drug dealers have brought corruption to Mexico because of the drug-cartel, while the Taliban enforced Islam as their government. Both positioned their unearned power through having a mission, increasing their members, establishing public support, getting the government's help, hurting their people ,and scarring their nation.

To every major group there is one goal, one mission. Because the drug dealers and the Taliban are dominant groups they had a mission they all had decided. The drug-cartel's mission is to smuggle as much illegal drugs as possible to the United States to gain wealth. Money is their goal, they will sneak in large amounts of drugs across the border,no matter what it takes. The Taliban however has an outspoken mission that was told publicly to the people of Afghanistan. According to CFR ,The Taliban's goal was to make Islam the national law. This was led by the Taliban leader Mullah Omar who took power in nineteen ninety- six in Kabul, Afghanistan. He founded Islamic religious schools known as madrassas, which would contribute to making the Islamic-Shia law as the national government in Afghanistan.

The drug dealers not only want to make tremendous profits from the drug-cartel,but they "need" more members. Having more members will make their task more lighter and easier to handle. However, the Taliban demands the number of members to increase with no excuse. They encourage all men to join, even boys are persuaded to join the Taliban, to make Islam stronger in Afghanistan. In order to make a stronger foundation for the Taliban, the excessive members determines that the public believe in the principles of the Taliban. The growth of supporters serve as a symbol that the radical rules are necessary for the obeying of the Quran.

These two groups desire for the joining of more followers,but they wish support in different ways. According to Univision Noticias ,drug dealers oppose protesters who want the drug war violence to end and are after the journalist who write against them in the Mexican newspaper. They want the public to be still and silent or else they will kill them. The cooperation the Taliban demand is the respect for their position and for the Islamic rules. The public either follows the rules or else they are publicly tortured. If a person in Afghanistan refuses to respect their authority and the rules they will be beaten publicly, creating fear among the people. The Afghani people are left with no choice or say, but to follow their injusticies in need of survival.

The drug-cartel has made its expectations clear in Mexico,not only gaining support,but the government responding to the bribe of the drug dealers. The Mexican government has not done enough to stop this terrorist act against its citizens. The government has laid back and kept its hands in its pockets. It has lean back in its office chair and isolated itself from the people.The government has closed its curtains and ignored the sufferment of their people. The Taliban have not just gain members, but the national government rewarded the Taliban by giving them authority to take over the Afghani government, causing the Taliban to arise even higher. Violence to increase toward civilians.

The lack of brave governments in Afghanistan and Mexico have caused its citizens to be left alone to face these dangerous groups. Drug dealers have used weapons to kill people who report the crimes of the drug dealers to the police. They have killed whole families to erase all witnesses. The Taliban has used gasoline, weapons, public beatings, and tortures to silent all non-believers of their rules. The people of both these nations have suffered enormously because of these two powerful groups have taken over their home lands.

Though the rising of the drug-cartel and the Taliban differs, one wanting to gain wealth, and the other for religious beliefs. They both are quite similar how they gained popularity and power. They both had stepping blocks and goals they needed to obtain in order to get respect. These two groups have hurted their own people and nation by eliminating safety and peace. They two groups earned their power by needing members to carry out and enforce their terrorist plan. The drug dealers and the Taliban earned undeserved power that would contradict human rights and scar their nation due to its wounded people.

Groups gain power and popularity in many ways. Some acquire this power by forcing the public to obey their beliefs, rules, and demands. This undeserved power places them in higher positions because they have demonstrated violence that brings fear to the people. Drug dealers have (**remove have to make everything the same tense)** brought corruption to Mexico because of the drug-cartel, while the Taliban enforced Islam as their government. Both positioned their unearned power through having a mission, increasing their members, establishing public support, getting the government's help, hurting their people, and scarring their nation. **I like this opening paragraph. Your revision of the thesis statement is good.**

To every major group there is one goal, one mission. Because the drug dealers and the Taliban are dominant groups they had a mission they all had decided. The drug-cartel's mission is to smuggle as much illegal drugs as possible to the United States to gain wealth. Money is their goal, they will sneak in large amounts of drugs across the border, no matter what it takes. The Taliban, however, has an outspoken mission that was told publicly to the people of Afghanistan. According to CFR ,The Taliban's goal was to make Islam the national law. This was led by the Taliban leader Mullah Omar who took power in nineteen ninety- six in Kabul, Afghanistan. He founded Islamic religious schools known as madrassas, which would –**would? Have they contributed or are they going to contribute? If they have contributed, I’d recommend using “contributed” just so readers know what’s going on--**contribute to making the Islamic-Shia law as the national government in Afghanistan.

The drug dealers not only want to make tremendous profits from the drug-cartel, but they "need" more members. Having more members will make their task more lighter **“more light and easy” OR “lighter and easier”** and easier to handle. **Maybe start out with an opening sentence at the beginning of the paragraph, something like “both groups acquire more members, but for different reasons.” Just something to introduce that they are alike but different and then you can remove this “however” in the beginning of this next sentence--**However, the Taliban demands the number of members to increase with no excuse. They encourage all men to join, even boys are persuaded to join the Taliban, to make Islam stronger in Afghanistan. In order to make a stronger foundation for the Taliban, the excessive **amount of** members determines that the public believe in the principles of the Taliban. The growth of supporters serve as a symbol that the radical rules are necessary for the obeying of the Quran.

These two groups desire for the joining of more followers,but they wish support in different ways. –**This opening is very similar to the content of the previous paragraph. What’s the difference between members and followers?** According to Univision Noticias ,drug dealers oppose protesters who want the drug war violence to end and are after the journalist**s—should be plural--** who write against them in the Mexican newspaper. They want the public to be still and silent or else they will kill them. The cooperation the Taliban demand is the respect for their position and for the Islamic rules. The public either follows the rules or else they are publicly tortured. If a person in Afghanistan refuses to respect their authority and the rules they will be beaten publicly, creating fear among the people. The Afghani people are left with no choice or say, but to follow their injusticies –**injustices?** in need of survival.

The drug-cartel has made its expectations clear in Mexico,not only gaining support,but the government responding to the bribe of the drug dealers. The Mexican government has not done enough to stop this terrorist act against its citizens. The government has laid back and kept its hands in its pockets. It has lean**ed** back in its office chair and isolated itself from the people.---**although I like the use of tools here, I think these three sentences are very similar and as a result the last one “**The government has closed its curtains and ignored the sufferment of their people.” **Isn’t needed--****also, a transition sentence from the drug cartel to the Taliban here would help you switch topics more smoothly--**The Taliban have not just gain**ed** members, but the national government rewarded the Taliban by giving them authority to take over the Afghani government, causing the Taliban to **rise** even higher.**This governmental support has made** Violence increase toward civilians.**? Does that sound good to you with that opening the sentence**

The lack of brave governments in Afghanistan and Mexico have caused its**---their** citizens to be left alone to face these dangerous groups. **Drug dealers have** used weapons to kill people who report the crimes of the **Drug-Cartel** to the police. They have killed whole families to erase all witnesses. The Taliban has used gasoline, weapons, public beatings, and tortures to silent all non-believers of their rules. The people of both these nations have suffered enormously because **these** two powerful groups have taken over their **homelands**.

Though the rising of the drug-cartel and the Taliban differs, one wanting to gain wealth, and the other for religious beliefs**, they** both **similarly** gained popularity and power. They both had stepping blocks and goals they needed to obtain in order to get respect. These two groups have **hurt** their own people and nation by eliminating safety and peace. **The** two groups earned their power by needing members to carry out and enforce their terrorist plan. The drug dealers and the Taliban earned undeserved power that would –**that contradicts?--**contradict human rights and scar**s** their nation due to its wounded people.—**Good ending sentence that wraps everything up.**


 * V—**
 * Anything in bold is something I changed, had a question about, or changed the spelling on. It’s looking good, and these minor changes should make everything fall into place nicely. If you wanted to add more facts with sources you could, but you don’t have to.**

The purpose of my paper was to compare the drug dealers in Mexico to the Taliban in Afghanistan. I talked about their differences such as their mission. The Taliban having a religious mission and the drug dealers wanting money. I compared how they gained popularity and power. I also brought them together at the conclusion papragraph were I talked about how they both have committed acts of terrorism toward cvilians and have harmed their country. My intended audience was everyone because we all should be informed of what is going on in the world and that people need our help. I used sources to give accurate information about these topics and give statistics. I used information to support my points. <span style="color: #0068ff; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Rough Draft **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Argument **(posted **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">RHS ** April 6 -- **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">171 ** April 8)
 * <span style="color: #0068ff; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Reflection #2 (RHS **<span style="color: #0068ff; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">March 16 -- **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">171 ** March 25)

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">Veronica Cordova

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">AP Lang and Composition

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">Mr. Johnson and Mrs. Lange

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">6 April 2012

<span style="display: block; font-family: times new roman,serif; text-align: center;">National Security is First

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">In the past years in the U.S,there has been a concern about the U.S border. The safety has been questioned and the security of the citizens of the United States. Because political leaders have argued for the protection and securing of the U.S border, there has been a large amount of money spent on this project. Whether enough money has been spent or not, the United States border still needs to be protected and rebuild. A stronger border will prevent dangerous things coming in the U.S such as drug dealers,illegal drugs,and weapons that can destroy national security to citizens.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">The drug cartel in Mexico has caused many dangerous drug dealers to arise in the cities of Mexico. Many of these drug dealers have killed innocent people, brought fear to civilian neighborhoods, and have gained favor in the government leaders. These drug dealers have escaped jail because the police officials have helped them. The corruption of the Mexican jail system has left criminals escape and wonder through Mexico. Many of these drug dealers are dangerous and carry dangerous weapons with them. The U.S needs to provide a higher fence to prevent these drug dealers from entering civilian neighborhoods.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">The escape of drug dealers make the drug leaders feel more welcomed in by the government and have the “right” to pass more illegal drugs to the United States. The increasing of illegal drugs in the U.S causes more crime and more problems for police officers. During the past few years there has been an increase in illegal drugs coming to the U.S. Because there has been an increase in illegal drugs coming to the United States there has been more criminals arrested filling the jail cells.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">This has cause the U.S to spend more of its income on making jail space larger and keep searching for drug dealers in the interstates.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">Not only have police officers have detained drug dealers in big city interstates,but they have been found armed. Many of the drug dealers were found carrying dangerous weapons that were fully load. This has cause a fear to citizens of the Unites States. With many drug dealers coming to the United States,bringing many illegal weapons, and carrying fully armed weapons that can harm innocent people.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">The question about the security of the border still remains unsolved. The opinion differs from political parties,race, and leaders. Many find the securing of the border unnecessary and a waste of money, but we should consider that national security is first. The citizens of the Unites States deserve to be safe from dangerous criminals who can hurt them and destroy human values. The answer to this question is quite simple, national security is first, and should be an American value that all citizens need. The enforcement of the the U.S border will prevent from future attacks that can severe hurt the American citizens.

National Security is First

In the past years in the U.S. there has been a concern about the U.S border--**Border safety?** The safety has been questioned and the security of the citizens of the United States. Because political leaders have argued for the protection and securing of the U.S border, there has been a large amount of money spent on this project. Whether enough money has been spent or not, the United States’ border still needs to be protected and rebuil**t**. A stronger border will prevent dangerous things—**can you come up with another word than ‘things?’****from** coming in**to** the U.S such as drug dealers,illegal drugs,and weapons that can destroy national security to citizens.

The drug cartel in Mexico has caused many dangerous drug dealers to arise in the cities of Mexico. Many of these drug dealers have killed innocent people, brought fear to civilian neighborhoods, and have gained favor in the government leaders. These drug dealers have escaped jail because the police officials have helped them. The corruption of the Mexican jail system has **let criminals** escape and **wander** through Mexico. Many of these drug dealers are dangerous and carry dangerous **--you used dangerous twice, maybe a different describing word such as deadly weapons?--** weapons with them. The U.S needs to provide a higher fence to prevent these drug dealers from entering civilian neighborhoods.—**from entering U.S. civilian neighborhoods? Or from escaping prison? Or?**

The escape –The **lack of persecution?--**of drug dealers make the drug leaders feel more welcomed in by the government and have the “right” to pass more illegal drugs to the United States. The increa**se** of illegal drugs in the U.S causes more crime and more problems for police officers. During the past few years, there has been an increase in illegal drugs coming to the U.S. –**these two sentences are too similar. Perhaps put “Because of this increase there has been more criminals arrested…..”**Because there has been an increase in illegal drugs coming to the United States there has been more criminals arrested filling the jail cells.—**also, I suggest putting “filling American jail cells” just to clarify that it is our jail cells filling with illegal criminals.**

This has caused the U.S to spend more of its income on **–building more jail spaces---**making jail space larger and searching for drug dealers in the interstates.—**What paragraph does this sentence go with?**

Not only have police officers detained drug dealers in big city interstates, but **–the dealers--** have been found armed—**I think you should delete the second half of that sentence starting with ‘but’ and join it with this sentence beginning with “But many” because they are too similar**. Many of the drug dealers were found carrying dangerous weapons that were fully load. This has cause**d** a fear **in** citizens of the **United** States. With **so** many drug dealers coming to the United States, bringing many illegal weapons, and carrying fully armed weapons that can harm innocent people.—**this is a strong beginning to a sentence but it has no point, I think you meant it to go with the previous sentence. So I recommend you put this last sentence before “this has caused a fear in citizens of the United States” so it would look like, “With so many drug dealers coming to the United States, bring many illegal weapons, and carrying fully armed weapons that can harm innocent people, citizens of the United States are in fear.”**

The question about the security of the border still remains unsolved. The opinion differs from political parties, races, and leaders. Many find the securing of the border unnecessary and a waste of money, but we should consider that national security is first. The citizens of the Unites States deserve to be safe from dangerous criminals who can hurt them and destroy human values. The answer to this question is quite simple, national security is first, and should be an American value that all citizens need. The enforcement of U.S border –**security?--**will prevent future attacks that can severe**ly** hurt the American citizens. --**Ok, I think something that you can add is the effects of the illegal drug dealers in the U.S. I know you touched on how we spend money because we need more jails, but there must be more widespread effects. What crime do they do here specifically? Do they start gangs here? Just sell drugs? I think that would be a good way to show the damage they do and why we need more security. I think this was a good rough draft, and I mostly had some sentence structure fixes.**

<span style="color: #0068ff; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Revision **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Argument **(posted **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">RHS ** April 13 -- **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">171 ** April 15)

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">Veronica Cordova

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">AP Lang and Composition

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">Mr. Johnson and Mrs. Lange <span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">13 April 2012

<span style="display: block; font-family: times new roman,serif; text-align: center;">National Security is First

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">In the history of the United States,we have encountered threatening situations, that have put the American people at risk. One of these risks has been national security. Because of the drug cartel scandal in the U.S border, this has led to political arguments whether the U.S border is protected. Some argue that the federal government needs to provide more money to improve the protection,while the rest believe improvement has been done, and there is nothing one can do. We must consider and understand the danger of not protecting the U.S border and that indeed it is the government's job to keep the people protected, by securing the U.S border. A stronger border will prevent danger from coming in the United States such as drug dealers, illegal drugs, and weapons that can destroy national security to citizens.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">The drug cartel in Mexico has caused many dangerous drug dealers to arise in the cities of Mexico. Many of these drug dealers have killed innocent people, brought fear to civilian neighborhoods, and have gained favor in the government leaders. They have created new gangs,encouraging the youth to join. These drug dealers have escaped jail because the police officials have helped them. The corruption of the Mexican jail system has left criminals to escape and wander through Mexico. Many of these drug dealers are dangerous and carry dangerous weapons with them. Because of runway criminals, the U.S needs to provide security to its border to prevent these drug dealers from entering into civilian neighborhoods and destroying social order.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">The escaping of drug dealers have made the drug leaders feel more welcomed by the government and have the “right” to pass more illegal drugs to the United States. The increasing of illegal drugs in the U.S causes more crime and more problems for police officers. During the past few years there has been an increase in illegal drugs coming to the U.S. Because there has been an increase in illegal drugs coming to the United States there has been more criminals arrested ,therefore filling the jail cells. This has cause the U.S to spend more of its income on building new jails to create more space to keep drug dealers in, while other policemen find drug dealers in the interstates.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">Not only have police officers have detained drug dealers in big city interstates,but they have been found armed. Many of the drug dealers were found carrying dangerous weapons that were fully load. This has caused fear in the citizens of the Unites States. The drug cartel chaos has been dragged to the U.S and the government needs to do its role in maintaining peace and control in U.S land.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">The question about the security of the border still remains unsolved. The opinion differs from political parties,race, and leaders. Many find the securing of the border unnecessary and a waste of money, but we should consider that national security is first. The citizens of the Unites States deserve to be safe from dangerous criminals who can hurt them and destroy human values. The answer to this question is quite simple, national security is first, and should be an American value that all citizens. The enforcement of the the U.S border will prevent from future attacks that can severely hurt the American citizens.

In the history of the United States, we have encountered threatening situations that have put the American people at risk. One of these risks has been national security. Because of the drug cartel scandal in the U.S border, this has led to political arguments whether the U.S border is protected. –**Maybe, “The drug cartel scandal in the U.S. border has led to political arguments questioning if the U.S. border is protected”.--** Some argue that the federal government needs to provide more money to improve the protection, while the rest believe improvement has been done, and there is nothing one can do. We must consider and understand the danger of not protecting the U.S border and that indeed it is the government's job to keep the people protected, by securing the U.S border. A stronger border will prevent danger**s** from coming in**to** the United States such as drug dealers, illegal drugs, and weapons that can destroy national security to citizens.

The drug cartel in Mexico has caused many dangerous drug dealers to arise in the cities of Mexico. Many of these drug dealers have killed innocent people, brought fear to civilian neighborhoods, and have gained favor in the government leaders. They have created new gangs, encouraging the youth to join. These drug dealers have escaped jail because the police officials have helped them. The corruption of the Mexican jail system has left criminals to escape and wander through Mexico. Many of these drug dealers are dangerous and carry dangerous weapons with them. Because of runway criminals, the U.S needs to provide security to its border to prevent these drug dealers from entering into civilian neighborhoods and destroying social order.—**I like the change to this last sentence from the previous draft.**

The escaping of drug dealers have made the drug leaders feel more welcomed by the government—**U.S. or Mexican Gov?--** and have the “right” to pass more illegal drugs to the United States. The increas**e** of illegal drugs in the U.S causes more crime and more problems for police officers. During the past few years there has been an increase in illegal drugs coming to the U.S. <–**Put this sentence before the previous sentence to introduce and then show the problem. --** Because –**there are a lot of ‘increase in illegal drugs’ maybe just for this sentence say “Because of more illegal drugs coming into the United states there has been…..”** there has been an increase in illegal drugs coming to the United States there has been more criminals arrested ,therefore filling the jail cells. This has cause**d** the U.S to spend more of its income on building new jails to create more space to keep drug dealers in, while other policemen find drug dealers in the interstates.

Not only have police officers detained drug dealers in big city interstates, but they have been found armed. Many of the drug dealers were found carrying dangerous weapons that were fully load. This has caused fear in the citizens of the Unites States. The drug cartel chaos has been dragged to the U.S and the government needs to do its role in maintaining peace and control in U.S land.

The question about the security of the border still remains unsolved. The opinion differs from-**between--** political parties, race**s**, and leaders. Many find the securing of the border unnecessary and a waste of money, but we should consider that national security is first. The citizens of the Unite**d** States deserve to be safe from dangerous criminals who can hurt them and destroy human values. The answer to this question is quite simple, national security is first, and should be an American value **to** all citizens. The enforcement of the U.S border will prevent from future attacks that can severely hurt American citizens. -**I think this is looking good. Again, if you want to further develop you can put more info on the effects of the drug dealers in the U.S.**

<span style="color: #0068ff; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Final **Argument** (posted **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">RHS ** April 20 -- **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">171 ** April 23)

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">Veronica Cordova <span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">AP Lang and Composition <span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">Mr. Johnson and Mrs. Lange <span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">20 April 2012 <span style="display: block; font-family: times new roman,serif; text-align: center;">National Security is First

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">In the history of the United States,we have encountered threatening situations that have put the American people at serious risk. One of these risks is national security. Because of the drug cartel scandal in the U.S border, this has led to political arguments whether the U.S border is protected. Some argue that the federal government needs to provide funds for the improvement of the protection,while the rest believe improvement has been done, and they are no adjustments that need fixing. We must consider and understand the danger of not protecting the U.S border as of today. Indeed. it is the government's job to keep the people protected, by securing the U.S border. A stronger border will prevent danger from coming in the United States such as drug dealers, illegal drugs, corruption, and weapons that can destroy national security to citizens.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">The drug cartel in Mexico has gained dangerous drug dealers to arise in the cities of Mexico. These drug dealers have gained popularity among the youth and favor with government leaders. They have encouraged the creation of new gangs, bringing the youth to join in large amounts. Because of the major contribution of the youth toward the “leadership” of these drug dealers, human rights have been abused. According to Stop the Drug War, fifty thousand people have died over the last five years. Innocent families have been killed by gang shooting and have left barrios empty with fear. While some drug dealers have been detained by police officers because of their cruel crimes, these drug dealers have been able to escape jail due to police officers lending a helping hand.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">The corruption of the Mexican jail system has left criminals to escape and wander through Mexico. And not only has the venality taken its position in Mexico, but it has been penetrating into the <span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">U.S customs and border patrols. In the Msn news, declares that there has been in an increase in corruption among the United States border patrols. In the year of two thousand and eleven, an U.S border patrol was found guilty of selling out to drug traffickers. The U.S border patrol,Margarita Crispin, allowed the smuggling of marijuana into the United States for the exchange of five million dollars. She then was discovered by FBI agents and sentenced to prison for twenty years. We can not let this drug trade come into our country and destroy American safety values. The American citizens who do not view the U.S border as unprotected need to realize that we can not let the corruption of other countries poison ours and that in fact our border is unprotected since there is corruption between wealthy Mexican criminals and U.S border patrols.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">The escaping of drug dealers have made the drug leaders feel more welcomed by the Mexican government and have the “right” to pass more illegal drugs to the United States. The increasing of illegal drugs in the U.S causes more crime and more problems for police officers. During the past few years there has been an increase in illegal drugs coming to the U.S. Because there has been an increase in illegal drugs coming to the United States there has been more criminals arrested ,therefore filling the jail cells. This has cause the U.S to spend more of its income on building new jails to create more space to keep drug dealers in, while other policemen find drug dealers in the interstates.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">Not only have police officers have detained drug dealers in big city interstates,but they have been found armed. Many of the drug dealers were found carrying dangerous weapons that were fully load. This has caused fear in the citizens of the Unites States. The drug cartel chaos has been dragged to the U.S and the government needs to do its role in maintaining peace and control in U.S land.

<span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">The question about the security of the border is answered. The United States border is not protected and that needs to change. Even though the opinion differs from political parties,race, and leaders. We all believe in the same American values. So why if we all believe in the best our country still think of not doing our best to protect our people? Yet, still some find the securing of the border <span style="font-family: Times New Roman,serif;">unnecessary and a waste of money, we must consider that national security is first. The citizens of the Unites States deserve to be safe from dangerous criminals who can hurt them and destroy human values. We do not want another nine eleven event to happen because of our lack of caution and preparing. We want to be keep all civilians safe. The enforcement of the the U.S border will prevent from any future attacks occurring and regrets simply because we chose to not be there for the people when they deserved better.

In the history of the United States, we have encountered threatening situations that have put the American people at serious risk. One of these risks is national security. Because of the drug cartel scandal in the U.S border, this has led to political arguments whether the U.S border is protected.—**I recommended a change to this sentence in the previous draft.** Some argue that the federal government needs to provide funds for the improvement of the protection, while the rest believe improvement has been done, and --they are **there are--**no adjustments that need fixing. We must consider and understand the danger of not protecting the U.S border as of—**I think you just mean ‘of today’** today. Indeed—**indeed doesn’t make sense here--** it is the government's job to keep the people protected by securing the U.S border. A stronger border will prevent danger from coming in**to** the United States such as drug dealers, illegal drugs, corruption, and weapons that can destroy national security to citizens.

The drug cartel in Mexico has gained dangerous drug dealers to arise**—you either have to delete arise or gained, both don’t work, I suggest ‘gained’ since you use it in the next sentence--** in the cities of Mexico. These drug dealers have gained popularity among the youth and favor with government leaders. They have encouraged the creation of new gangs, bringing the youth to join in large amounts. <–**this sentence is redundant because you already said they gained popularity with the youth--**Because of the major contribution of the youth toward the “leadership” of these drug dealers, human rights have been abused. According to Stop the Drug War—**is this an article? Website? If it’s a title of a****a\rticle or something like that it needs italics--,** fifty thousand people have died over the last five years—**due to the drug war? Say something like ….over the last five years because of the cartel**. Innocent families have been killed by gang shooti**ngs** and have left barrios—**what’s a barrio?** empty with fear. While some drug dealers have been detained by police officers because of their cruel crimes, these**—many have been able, delete ‘these’--** drug dealers have been able to escape jail due to police officers lending a helping hand.

The corruption of the Mexican jail system has left criminals to escape and wander through Mexico. Not only has the venality taken its position in Mexico, but it has been **leaking** into the U.S customs and border patrols. **T**he Msn news declares that there has been in an increase in corruption among the United States border patrols. In **2011**, **a** U.S border patrol was found guilty of selling out to drug traffickers. The U.S border patrol, Margarita Crispin, allowed the smuggling of marijuana into the United States for the exchange of five million dollars. She then was discovered by FBI agents and sentenced to prison for twenty years.—**I don’t think we need to learn about her prison sentence, it leads away from your thesis.** We cannot let this drug trade come into our country and destroy American safety values. The American citizens who do not view the U.S border as unprotected need to realize that we cannot let the corruption of other countries poison ours, and that, in fact, our border is unprotected since there is corruption between wealthy Mexican criminals and U.S border patrols.

The escaping of drug dealers have made the drug leaders feel more welcomed by the Mexican government and **feel they** have the “right” to pass more illegal drugs to the United States. The increa**se** of illegal drugs in the U.S causes more crime and more problems for police officers. Because there has been an increase in illegal drugs coming to the United States there has been more criminals arrested, therefore filling **American** jail cells. This has cau**sed** the U.S to spend more of its income on building new jails to create more space to keep drug dealers, while other policemen find drug dealers in the interstates.

Not only have police officers detained drug dealers in big city interstates, but many of the drug dealers were found carrying dangerous weapons that were fully load**ed**. This has caused fear in the citizens of the Unite**d** States. The drug cartel chaos has been dragged to the U.S. and the government needs to do its role in maintaining peace and control in U.S land.

The question about the security of the border is answered. The United States border is not protected and that needs to change. Even though the opinion differs **between** political parties, races, and leaders. We all believe in the same American values. So if we all believe in the best **of** our country, **why do we** still not do our best to protect our people? Yet, still some find the securing of the border

unnecessary and a waste of money,<--**you’ve already told us this, and it doesn’t need to be in the ending sentence--** we must consider that national security is first. The citizens of the Unit**ed** States deserve to be safe from dangerous criminals who can hurt them and destroy human values. We do not want another **9/11** event to happen because of our lack of caution and preparing. We want to be keep all civilians safe. The enforcement of the U.S border will prevent future attacks from occurring simply because we chose to not be there for the people when they deserved better. --**Look at this draft closely, there were a lot of little changes that I made. When you submit your final draft proofread a lot. And have someone else read it over. I think you added what you needed to and it shows that we need better security. If anything, you can tell us how the border works. But you don’t have to.** <span style="color: #0068ff; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">Reflection #3 (posted **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','serif';">RHS ** April 23) My reflection on my arguement paper is that I was more suceesful in my arguement paper than my previous papers. I felt it was easier to write it.I had more interesting facts and claims. My intended audience is for the people living in the United States. My purpose for my arguement paper is for Americans to know more about what is happening in the U.S border and how it has an effect on everyone in the U.S;how national security is more important than we sometimes think.

The exigence of my paper is to tell Americans how the U.S border is not fully protected,that they are more dangers that try to pass to the U.S. My tone was reflected through the evidence and claims ,I gave to support my thesis. I got my message across the most strongest in my conclusion, it was my most strong part of my paper. I felt I was successful in providing real life situations that are going on in the U.S border, that agreed with my thesis.

Sources 1.http://projects.latimes.com/mexico-drug-war/ 2.http://topics.nytimes.com/top/news/international/countriesandterritories/mexico/drug_trafficking/index.html 3.http://www.npr.org/2011/09/23/140745739/mexican-drug-cartels-now-menace-social-media 4. Family knowledge. 5. Living in Mexico experience.